intentional focus

Mediterranean Cruise - Day 8 & 9: Day at Sea & Barcelona, Spain

2011-10-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

Friday was our one day that we had at sea. We spent the entire day on the ship, which I had figured would bore me to death, but it ended up being a nice reprieve after such a busy and exhausting week.

Dave and I slept until 10:30 that morning, which is something I haven't done since college, I think. We went to a late breakfast/early lunch and then made our way to the pool deck. We secured some chairs and then went over to watch the flowrider competition, which wasn't too interesting. Afterward, though, Dave had a chance to do the flowrider 3 times. It looks pretty tough. I would have loved to do it if no one was watching me... I just can't get myself to the point of doing things like that in front of a bunch of people. While he finished up there I went back to our chairs and read my book in the sun. It was lovely!

We sat there for a while, then went to the room to pack and get dressed for the final cocktail reception and dinner. We ate with Alan and Amanda (from Nashville) for our last dinner on the ship and had a really nice time, as usual. Since dinner was so late, we went off to bed right afterward because we were scheduled to depart the ship at 7am the next morning.

Saturday morning we got off of the ship at 7 and helped everyone in our group weigh their luggage (I bought a luggage scale a year or so ago and it was definitely a good $20 spent), then went to check in. As soon as we got to the checkin line, we were told that they had overbooked the flight and were looking for volunteers to be bumped. Bryan and Dena-Marie immediately volunteered. I hesitated because I didn't really think it was an option for us, but ultimately we volunteered and asked if we could get home earlier than 8:45pm on Sunday. They switched our flights and got one to get us home by 12:30pm on Sunday afternoon - at that point it was a no-brainer! $500/ in airfare, hotel, food & transfers in Barcelona... and most of all an extra day to actually see Barcelona! We were jazzed!

After finally getting settled in our hotel, the 4 of us went out to explore the city. Bryan and Dena-Marie had been there for a week last summer so they were our tour guides. Dave navigated our way on the Metra... our first stop was the Segrada Familia, which is absolutely incredible. This temple is amazing and the pictures we took cannot begin to do justice to seeing it in person. From there we went to the beach and sat there for a couple of hours. We drank some beer and swam in the Mediterranean Sea (how awesome is that?)! And from there we walked down Port Val to Las Ramblas, did some shopping, found a place to have tapas, and did some more shopping and went back to the hotel. It was the perfect, relaxing way to end our trip and I'm in love with that day!

Sunday morning we flew out of Barcelona at 7:30am to Paris, ran through the entire Paris airport to catch a flight that left less than 1 hour after we landed, flew 9 hours to Chicago and finally saw our girls at 1:45pm! It was amazing. They are so beautiful and I missed them more on this trip than I had on any of our other trips combined. I think because they are now at ages where we could have done this trip with them and they would have been awesome and it would have been fun... so I felt a little incomplete. It was so great to see them when we got home! Dave and I crashed hard by 8:45pm that night - they were still going strong and we just prayed that they would stay in their room, fall asleep at a decent time, and not burn the house down :) All was good the next morning... but Dave and I didn't feel normal until Thursday.

Mediterranean Cruise - Day 7: Civitevecchia/Rome

2011-10-01T13:30:00.000-05:00

{These posts are taken from emails that I sent to the girls everyday during our trip.}

Good morning girls!

We had a long day yesterday so I'm writing you on Friday morning instead. It is 10:30am here on the Mediterranean Sea and you are sound asleep - 3:30am for you! Daddy and I just woke up! We've been so busy this week and got up pretty early yesterday so we were tired!

Yesterday we ported in the city of Civitevecchia. Our tour guide told us it is pronounced Chee-vee-tee-veck-ya. We arranged for a private tour guide with 2 other couples that we met here - it was expensive, but it was definitely a great way to do as much of Rome in a day as we possibly could. Our tour guide, Salvatore, picked us up in a minivan at 8 am and drove us the 90 minutes into the city of Rome. On the way there he told us many interesting things about the country of Italy, the areas we were driving through and about Rome. Rome is interesting because it is modern city (modern = like today), but the city has been here for thousands of years and has buildings and walls that are thousands of years old. There is a lot of history in Rome.

The first thing we did in Rome was stop at the Colliseum. Only the guys wanted to go inside, so while they toured the inside, the women walked around outside and we ended up seeing the filming of some scenes from an Italian movie. Apparently the people we were watching in the scenes were very, very famous Italian actors, but we had no idea who they were! The Colliseum is a huge brick structure/arena where the ancient Roman people had big fights. On the floor of the arena there would be gruesome fights between people - with chariots and spears and animals. Usually the fight would result in the death of one of the participants. And all of this happened while the Roman people sat on the side and watched it like they were watching a baseball game. There is a movie about it, called Gladiator. It was horrific! That stuff happened before and after Jesus was alive.

From the colliseum, our guide drove us past a place called Circus Maximus, which many people saw in the movie, Ben Hur. Right now this is just a grassy field in the middle of the city, but in ancient times (before and after Jesus), the Circus Maximus is where the Romans held chariot races. From there we went to a Palazzo that was designed by Michaelangelo. And then to the Pantheon. The Pantheon is a HUGE domed church (by the way, there are 300 churches in Rome - every time you turn around you see another church). There was a lot of artwork in the Pantheon. Daddy liked the Pantheon, I preferred to sit outside by the fountain and watch people! And from there we went to the Trevi Fountain. This is, apparently, a very famous fountain and the Roman people think it is ugly, while the rest of the world thinks it is beautiful! It is HUGE! And I think that the entire world was there looking at it - it was SO crowded!

Then our guide brought us to one of his favorite restaurants for lunch. It was an experience! The owners kept bringing us food and we hadn't ordered anything! We had so much food and it was all sooooo good! Right after we started eating dessert an argument broke out in the next room - some American's were there and found that someone had taken their wallet and taken all of the money out of it (1300 euros which would be over $2000) and left the wallet on the ground. The people they were accusing were gypsies and they were fighting back. It was loud and the owners were upset that it was happening. We believe they were probably right, but they would never be able to prove it. Just a good lesson to not have that much money on you and to not leave your stuff on the ground! Our lunch, though, was amazing! And then the owners brought out a whole bottle of limoncello for our group - it is a sweet/sour liquor that is made here in Italy with fresh lemons. And it is good!

After lunch we went to the Vatican. The Vatican is a separate state inside of Rome and has its own government. This is where the governing of the Catholic church takes place. The pope lives in the vatican and it is a very special place for catholics. We went through all of the Vatican museums and finally the Sistene Chapel. The ceiling of the sistene chapel was painted by Michaelangelo. There are many, many different religious / roman political scenes painted on the ceiling and he did it all by hand. It was beautiful. We were unable to look at it for long because it took so long to get into it and we were running late for our guide. And it was incredibly crowded. The sistene chapel is one of the most famous places in the world. And finally, we stopped at St. Peter's Basillica, which is a huge church on St. Peter's square in the Vatican. It was incredible and beautiful and by far the highlight of my day.

So we did a lot in Rome in one day. Almost everything that anyone would want to see, we saw yesterday. We went quickly, so we want to return to Rome someday and take our time! We are so lucky!!! Hopefully we can take each of you to rome someday - it is an amazing city!

Mediterranean Cruise - Day 6: Naples, Mt. Vesuvius & Pompeii, Italy

2011-09-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

{These posts are taken from emails that I sent to the girls everyday during our trip.}

Hi girls! We just finished our second day in Italy. Today we arrived in Naples, Italy around 10am. I watched the boat dock at the pier - it was very interesting. The ship had to back in to the spot and there were several other cruise ships in the port. It was almost like it was parallel parking in the port.

We did an excursion with the cruise line today so we got onto a bus in the port and drove through Naples to get to Mt. Vesuvius. We stopped in a little jewely factory to see how they make a particular kind of jewelry - the cameo. A cameo is made from a big shell that they import from the caribbean. The master carver removes the outer dull layer and then draws a picture on the middle layer then carves away at the middle layer until the shiny under layer is revealed. Typically the picture is of a roman emperor's profile or a woman's profile. I bought a pendant necklace with a J on it and wanted to buy one for each of you, but they didn't have all of your first letters available. Maybe if we ever come back i can find one for you then! I almost cried - i was very disappointed because i think you would have loved the necklace!

When we were done there we drove to Mt. Vesuvius. Mt. Vesuvius is an active volcano that erupts very irregularly. It erupted in 79A.D. and destroyed the city of Pompeii with its ash. The most recent eruption was in 1944 and at that time the lava flow destroyed all of the towns between it and the bay of Naples. For some weird reason, they keep rebuilding cities in its path. And every time it erupts the cities are destroyed again. Right now the volcano does not seem dangerous - we walked around the crater and it seems pretty dry and dead, but there is a wisp of steam coming from the center of the mountain which means that it is still alive and active. There are volcanologists that monitor the mountain at all time and will hopefully be able to warn people to leave if they think there is danger of it erupting again. It was a very steep hike up the mountain - our legs are soooo tired!

After leaving Mt. Vesuvius we went to the city of Pompeii. Pompeii was destroyed by that eruption in 79A.D., but archeologists found it many years ago when they were digging and they have continued to dig and uncover much of the city. Many parts of the city were preserved pretty well. we saw a huge house, a roman bath, a brothel, a bakery, a restaurant, a fountain. Lots of stuff. The city of Pompeii is much, much larger than we imagined it would be. we were there for 90 minutes and didn't see hardly any of it. I think you could explore that ruined city for a full day!

When we were done there we took the bus back to the port of Naples. By the way Papa - Naples doesn't have anywhere to go with their rubbish/garbage, so at night people drive up Mt. Vesuvius and toss it around there. Mt. Vesuvius and Naples are FILTHY. There is rubbish everywhere you turn. Litter in the streets, in the grass, in the trees, everywhere. Maybe veolia should take a trip over there from France and see if they can help out!!!

When we got off of the bus in Naples, we decided to walk through Naples for a bit and get some pizza. Naples is where pizza was invented and since I have no desire to ever return to that dirty city, I didn't want to leave without having their pizza! We walked and ate with a newlywed couple that we met on tour. They got married on Labor Day weekend and are doing this cruise as their honeymoon. We enjoyed our dinner with them! The pizza was good, although daddy said he would rather have Chicago pizza any day of the week. I think I would prefer the Naples pizza.

So now we are back. Once again we almost missed the boat! We came back to the ship and as soon as we got on they pulled the equipment back into the ship and we are leaving. We are going to dinner in a few minutes and then to bed - we are exhausted! Tomorrow we go to ROME!

Mediterranean Cruise - Day 5: Livorno & Florence, Italy

2011-09-29T13:27:00.000-05:00

{These posts are taken from emails that I sent to the girls everyday during our trip.}

Bon Journo from Italy!

We arrived in Italy early this morning. The port where the ship docks is not very pretty - it is very industrial, which means that there are a lot of business warehouse buildings and machinery and rusty boats and equipment on the docks. Livorno must be a working port, while the ports in France were more recreational (meaning, fun!). Daddy and I got up and ran 3 miles again while our ship docked. It was not as pretty as the other morning that we ran, but it was still fun to be running while the ship was moving and other cruise ships around us were docking, too.

We had quite an adventure today! Florence, Italy is a very famous town in Italy because it has a lot of ancient/old churches and artwork by a famous artist named Michaelangelo. Florence is 90 minutes from Livorno where the ship docked, so we had to get there somehow. We took a bus from the ship to Livorno, then a bus from Livorno to the train station, then a train to Florence. We had no idea what we were doing and we don't speak or read Italian, so it was amazing that we got to Florence!

When we got there we walked from the train station to a museum that holds one of Michaelangelo's most famous statues - David. We stood in line for about 20 minutes before we found out that the line was 3 hours long - and we didn't have that much time! So we left the line and started off on seeing Florence on our own. The biggest problems, though, were that it was 90+ degrees outside and there were so many people in Florence that you could hardly see anything or do anything because the lines were so long. We got to the main pilazzo (square) and were overwhelmed by the people and the heat that we decided to have some lunch instead of fighting the crowds to see anything. So we had some bruschetta (bread with diced tomatos) and a plate of cheese and a bottle of white wine, Ovierto. It was deliciouso! We enjoyed that more than waiting in line for anything!

After that we explored the city a little bit and looked in some of the shops. We started to walk uphill to see a garden, but figured out that we didn't have enough time to do it so instead we made our way back to the train station. We did really good getting there in time for the train, but then the train ride ended in a city called Pisa and the next train to Livorno was coming later than we had hoped and we were worried we'd miss the bus back to the ship! We ended up running into some friends that we met and who had taken the train into Florence with us and they were getting on the same train. When we finally got to Livorno and found the bus, we got on and so did a ton of other people. The bus was so crowded I didn't think the doors would close! And it was still 90+ degrees outside and hotter inside! And the stinkiness was back - but I think we were included this time! The bus got us back to the place where we were supposed to get on the Royal Caribbean charter bus to get us back to the ship, but the last charter bus had left already, so we had to find a cab for 12 people! It was really stressful, but it was a fun adventure!

After we got back we were still sweaty and sticky and exhausted, so we went to the bar with our friends and got some fruity drinks to cool off. It was a fun day! Daddy and I are soooo tired! And I have a blister on my toe!

Tomorrow we are going to climb a volcano that erupted a long time ago and completely covered a city called Pompeii. we're going to climb the volcano and see Pompeii - it will be a 5 1/2 mile hike!

Mediterranean Cruise - Day 4: VillaFrance & Nice, France

2011-09-28T13:26:00.000-05:00

{These posts are taken from emails that I sent the girls every day during our trip}

It is 6:00pm here in France and 10:00am in Illinois. You're sitting in school right now and we just came back from France and are going to rest a little bit before dinner at 9:00pm!

We had a great day in Nice, France - Nice was much better than Toulon, France yesterday! Our ship docked in the port city of VillaFrance, which has a really, really pretty marina that we could look at from our balcony. We took a lot of pictures of the view to show you guys! The ship couldn't get right up to the city, so it anchored in the water and we had to take a tender boat (a ferry boat) from the ship to the shore. Once we got to shore we walked uphill for about 5 minutes and got on a bus that would take us into the city of Nice (pronouced Neece). The bus ride cost 1 Euro for each of us, which is about $1.45.

When we got off the bus in Nice, we walked around for a short time to find the bus stop that we needed to get to in order to get back to VillaFrance later in the afternoon - we wanted to know exactly where we needed to be so we could get back in time (daddy is really good at planning our days here). We found the right bustop at a large marina/port in Nice. It was a beautiful area. We walked down one side of the port and around the rocky shoreline and found another section of Nice that was absolutely stunning. People were laying on the beach and swimming in the mediterranean sea. We went down to the beach and were surprised to find out that the beach is made of ROCKS - not sand like our beaches, but rocks that are probably larger than the rocks that are in our landscaping at our house. It was hard to walk on them, but we made it down to the water so we could put our feet in it. The water made the coolest sound as it came on shore and rolled back out into the sea. I took a short video for you so you could hear the sound - hopefully it works! The people on the beach are different than the people on our beaches... here in Europe the men wear really tiny swimsuits, called speedos - they not like the shorts/swim trunks that boys wear here. Also, european women lay on the beach without tops on their bathing suits so everything is showing that we try to cover in the states. Its kind of strange to see people like that!

We sat on the beach for a short time and then got up and walked to an old ruined castle that used to be a fortress of protection many, many years ago. There were a LOT of stairs to get to the top and it was pretty hot, but it was well worth the climb and the sweat because the views at the top were amazing! We took lots of pictures of that, too! At the very top of the fortress there was a big park with grassy areas to hang out in and a playground for kids and a big giant thing to climb on - which daddy and I climbed on just because we knew you guys would have loved to climb on it!

When we got back to the bottom of the fortress we went back over by the port where our bustop was and walked down the other side of the marina to find a place to eat. We had a nice plate of cheese, some bread and some wine - it was perfect! After that we waited for our bus and went back into VillaFrance and walked around a little market area and had some dessert and coffee (daddy had an ice cream cone & I had a nutella crepe). We had such a great day here in Nice and I decided that I would like to live here. I think you girls would like it, too! And good news: the people here do not smell as bad as the people in Toulon! That was good news indeed!

So now daddy is making notes on our day so he can give them to Mr. & Mrs. Kalafut who are coming on this cruise in October. I'm going to read on the balcony and then we'll have dinner at 9. Tonight is a casual dinner, which means we don't have to wear a dress or a suit. We talked to our waiter for a little bit last night: he is from the Phillipines (where Jenny grew up) and he is married and has a 2 year old son. He works on the cruise ship for 6 months every year. That is half of a year! Can you imagine if daddy was gone for 6 months and didn't come home at all? He talks to his family over the computer, but we would sure miss daddy if he was gone like that! Another good reason to be thankful for Edward Jones, right?!

Mediterranean Cruise - Day 3: Toulon, France

2011-09-27T13:23:00.000-05:00

these posts are taken from emails that I sent to the girls everyday during our trip:

This morning we woke up early and went running on the pool deck. We ran 3 miles while the ship was getting closer and closer to the port. The sun was rising behind the clouds and it was really pretty to see while we were running. One funny thing that we saw was that one of the ship employees was on one side of the deck closing all of the beach chairs. And on the other side of the deck there was another ship employee opening every one of the chairs that the first one closed. That made me laugh every time we ran past them. After running we had room service breakfast on our balcony and looked out at France.

We got off of the ship and walked around the port city for a while. It was pretty dirty and ugly and I'm convinced that no one here wears deodorant because I am always smelling sweaty people. After we figured out we were in the wrong place, we walked back to the ship and got on a huge bus that took us to Toulon, France. We walked through the marina and saw some really cool yachts and boats, then walked through a huge farmers market, which was actually just like the farmers markets that we go to, except they sell a lot of olives at the one here. Then we walked for about 35-40 minutes UP HILL to take a ride on a cable car to get the the top of the mountain so we could look down on the city and the marina. The view was beautiful! Up in the mountains it is Provence, France. This city is known for smelling like lavender, which I decided they planted to cover the smell of sweaty people. I didn't smell lavender, really, and was kind of disappointed, but maybe we weren't in the right area? The view was pretty, though. We had a snack at the top of the mountain - I had a brie crepe and daddy had a citrus crepe. Crepes are like really big, super thin pancakes that they fill with all kinds of things. Brie is a creamy soft cheese that was really melty inside the crepe. After that we went back down to the ship and now daddy is in a meeting and I'm writing you! Tonight we have the Captain's Dinner, which just means that we have to dress fancy.

Mediterranean Cruise - Days 1 & 2

2011-09-26T13:20:00.000-05:00

Everything went perfectly with our itinerary. All flights were fine. In New York JFK airport we had no idea what we were doing or where we were going and some other EJ people found us and directed us to Gate 3. We found it, went to grab lunch and while we were there an older couple introduced themselves and we learned they were going on the cruise, too. After some discussion we found out they were actually going on the Black Sea cruise - and were flying out of Gate 3. This mean we had to figure out what gate we were actually going to fly out of. It all worked out, was kind of humorous though.

Our flight to Barcelona was 2 hours less than I thought it was going to be. I think it ended up being slightly over 6 hours. We both watched 2 movies. It was fine. We landed at 12:30 on our bodies, but it was nearly 8am in Barcelona. We met the Maritz people and they brought us to a little restaurant for breakfast.

View of the city of Barcelona, Spain
from the village where we had breakfast.

We had 4 hours there and we were all wiped out and so incredibly tired. Neither of us slept on the plane and couldn't wait to get to our room to take a nap. The ship boarding was quick, but our room was not quite ready so we grabbed some lunch first and then went to our room. We literally brought our bags in and dumped them in the middle of the room, checked out the balcony and then fell on the bed and took a nap. I felt like I was pretty wide awake and told Dave that I didn't know if I'd be able to get to sleep. Not sure that I even finished my sentence. We slept for a couple of hours and were woken up by the announcements telling us it was time to do the safety drill. I've never felt so exhausted... I did NOT want to get out of bed, just wanted to sleep, but knew it would make it difficult to get to sleep at night if I kept sleeping all afternoon.

We got up, went to the drill and then explored the ship. Somehow after all of that it was already time to shower & go to the cocktail reception and dinner. Dinner was at 9pm. Afterward I was still more tired than I can remember being in a long time. Felt soooo good to sleep! We've met a lot of nice Jones people already. Its kind of nice because this was an add-on trip, so a lot of these people are younger or newer in the firm.

A tangled web of life

2011-05-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

I've been struggling as of late. Struggling with myself & my inability to feel God. And my inability to solve the puzzle.

I'm a puzzle solver. I really, really like it when life follows an "if this, then that" pattern. I like patterns. I like the process of recognizing that there is a pattern and then observing life to find the pattern. Or, alternatively using a lot of trial and error to find the solution to a puzzle. I love this in all aspects - whether it is word puzzles or actual life. Wait... I DON'T like it at all when its math ;)

And I'm struggling with the fact that I've been created this way. I have been created to be a puzzle solver and a pattern identifier. Yet, it is exactly that part of me that is keeping me from living my best life right now.

I've gotten so incredibly tangled in the web of trying to find the pattern of exactly how much exercise and how much eating I should do to maintain or lose weight. So much so, that I no longer have a healthy relationship with food and I'm not sure how to go about getting back to normal.

I've gotten so tangled in the web of trying to solve the puzzle of how to actually convince God to make Dave's business successful now rather than waiting any longer, that I no longer see the blessings that we have.

I've gotten so tangled in the web of trying to figure God out by reading the Bible that I no longer feel the Bible and I no longer internalize it.

My life is tangled right now. Not my whole life - my girls are good, my husband is good, my marriage is good, my family, my friends, my life is good. But my brain is tangled.

I have many mixed thoughts about God and to be honest, I don't dare share them with but a few trusted people in my circle, because I don't want to be judged or have my soul prayed for because I don't believe the right thing. To put it bluntly, I'm done with theology and religion. I don't have much use for either one any more. But I know many of my friends and family do - and thats okay with me, I just want it to be okay that I don't. And I'm not sure that it is okay with other people that I don't care about theology, or sacraments, or doctrine.

But my web extends beyond the non-necessity of those things (in my opinion). Today, I read a passage in Matthew where Jesus tells the disciples that if they had enough faith & believing prayer that they could accomplish greater things than they could imagine (faith could move a mountain). And I realized that I don't have that. Because ultimately, when I boil it down, I don't fully, truly, 100% believe that God cares or is listening to my prayers - regardless of all of the verses that I've read and highlighted that say that he does hear everything, he does listen, he knows how many hairs are on my head. In my tangledness I see that as a beautiful metaphor and I want to believe that - I do - but when I'm truly honest with myself, I don't believe it about him and me.

I don't know if I believe that God is actively working in this world. I want to believe that he is and he will, but here's the thing: my blessing could possibly result in someone else's curse or vice versa. And I have a hard time reconciling that in a reasonable way. And in my pattern observing, puzzle solving way of viewing life I can't find a definable "if this, then that" pattern to God actively working in this world. Rather, I see life happening as you would reasonably assume it would given general knowledge of the world & the way people work.

And this kind of destroys me. I am not saying that I need all the answers to God and how he works. Thats kind of the point - I don't need, nor do I necessarily want those answers - but because of how he created me, I'm constantly looking for them.

And I get tangled again.

As with food & exercise, I don't know how to stop doing it. I don't know how to get untangled - and then stay that way. I don't know how to stop observing or how to stop trying to solve. And I get mad at myself. And then I remember that God created me like this. And I get tangled again.

important lessons may equal misery

2011-03-28T14:30:00.000-05:00

The camel's back broke yesterday afternoon. Admittedly, it wasn't the biggest of deals, but it has been an epidemic problem in our family of three small girls and when my dear spouse was bothered not less than 3 times while going to the bathroom, I had reached my limit of tolerance.

R: "Daddy! Georgia won't give me any Lucky Charms!"
D: "I don't care. I'm in the bathroom."
R: "But Daaadddy!"

That was it.

We embarked on an extreme reaction. Not a bunch of screaming and yelling, just a firm disposition and changing of the way things work around here. Apparently, a voice that three little girls understand to mean business. Lucky Charms were counted out - one-by-one. Two children had to change their clothes so all three of them would have the exact same outfits on. Conversations between me & each child were timed so they each had an exactly equal amount of my time. I actually had to cut one of them off because she was threatening to exceed her allotted amount of time.

None of this was met with joy by any of them. Nora was clearly upset because she had not been involved in the Lucky Charms conversation, but was thrown into the mix nonetheless. However, it is she - ye oldest daughter of mine - that has been the first and always the worst offender of making sure everyone has an equal amount of anything, or is treated the same. It is an attitude and behavior that makes my skin crawl - I dealt with that as a kid with my sister and now with my daughter? Not going to happen in my family - if it takes this kind of extreme parenting to get the message across, then so be it.

After about 30 minutes of this, we sat them down and had a family meeting where we explained about differences in personalities. Pointed out that they each treat me differently than they treat their daddy, they treat one friend differently than another - it would be impossible for anyone to treat everyone exactly the same... everyone has different personalities and relationships and it is not any different for a parent with their children. We also pointed out that every.thing.in.this.house is MINE - not theirs - MINE (the collective parental MINE) - and we are generous and gracious enough to share it with them... the chair they're sitting on - MINE - yet I haven't asked them to get off. etc.

And all of this included several reminders that I have drawn a line - a line that if it gets crossed, will result in them wearing the same exact clothes everyday, me counting out each individual piece of food so they all get exactly the same, me timing my conversations with them so they all get exactly the same amount of time, me keeping track of everything so they're all being treated equally. I will throw away every shirt in their closets & go out and buy 1 red, 1 green, 1 black, 1 blue, & 1 yellow shirt for each of them and they will always match. I reminded them that I never threaten to do something that I'm not committed to follow through on - I'm committed.

It may be drastic, but I believe the lesson is worth it. And it may be incredibly miserable for me if I have to follow through, but I believe the lesson is worth it.

They have shown an amazing ability to self-police themselves. Reminding each other in several different instances that "mommy drew a line - remember? I don't want to wear the same thing as you everyday!" While it is indeed amusing, I'm also proud of them. I am proud that they listened and are putting their learning into action. I am proud that they are consciously making choices to change their behavior - as we grow up we learn that it isn't appropriate to act however we want to act - our natural reaction is not always the best or most appropriate. Sometimes we have to choose to be quiet, to be positive, to be supportive, to be accepting, to be tolerant. Obviously, 9, 6, & 5 is not too young to learn that lesson, because my girls have brilliantly shown me that they are capable of doing just that.

2011-02-25T15:30:00.000-06:00

Quite recently I was thinking about how I have very little contact with people - and how that seems to make my life happier. I love the people that I love, but I've been saying for a while (to Dave) that the more people you add to your life, the more drama that comes with it. This has been one reason why I haven't wanted to pursue getting a job - ever again.

I think about the days before we had children and we were both working full time. I remember the emotional roller coaster that I was constantly on because of my boss. And the drama of what this person said and what that person said and how that affected me. I also remember how I wasn't able to fully support my husband in his job and he wasn't able to fully support me in my job - because we both had our own stuff going on.

So I realized the other day that my life is relatively drama free. I understand that this is going to change dramatically - soon - but for now and for the last year or so it has been relatively drama free.

And then there was today. Actually, there wasn't much drama, but simply a reminder as to why I don't want to add more people to my life.

Because once again - as in, this isn't the first time in my 34 years - a person who is not much more than an acquaintance has decided that she has an issue with me and has been making veiled comments about me in front of me and others. I have this job that I do online and I have to get into a chat room everyday to do it. The comments have been made in the chat room - with the appropriate smiley emoticon attached to them. So far I've convinced myself that I'm reading into things and she doesn't have an issue with me - I mean, why should she? I've never spoken to her, I've never met her, I've never had a conversation with her. Yet, the comments happened again this morning... and I happened to be chatting with my boss on AIM at the time and said something to him about it (it is his sister) and he confirmed that yes, she has an issue with me and he doesn't know why... the implication being clear that she has been saying much more than what was in the chat room.

And so.

I've been near tears all day. I've wanted to curl up in a corner and cry.

And I want to quit my job - but I enjoy it and the money has really helped a lot.

And I want to insulate myself and become a hermit. Only allowing the people that I already love to be a part of my life and no one else. And I want to let my insecure, quiet, unapproachable, bitchy looking imposter loose in every situation I am in. I want to curl up inside of myself and not let anyone in.

I feel horrible. I really, truly have done nothing to this girl except for join the team a year ago.

I'm going to fight this inside of myself, but its going to take a lot to do it. And right now, I just feel it.

An Open Letter to parents of my children's classmates

2010-10-04T12:28:00.001-05:00

Dear Parent:

Greetings to you from our family! I hope this finds you well.

I am writing in response to some recent news that has traveled from my third graders' mouth to my ears. I felt it might be necessary to inform you that your child is a brat. In addition, I also thought it might be helpful for you to know that no matter how badly your child treats mine, I refuse to teach my daughters to get back at your child, to treat her the same way, to talk meanly to or about your child.

If I must be blunt... your child is definitely getting the good end of this situation. I will never stop teaching my daughters to be kind. To treat other kids respectfully and as she would like to be treated. And I will certainly never, ever, find it acceptable for my child to act like your child does not exist. Now none of this means that I am actively teaching my children to be doormats for your children, however, kindness and acceptance will always win in our family.

I've heard the phrase "The one who cares the least has the most power in the relationship". And while that seems to be a very accurate statement about human nature, and my husband and I can pick and choose when it is appropriate to embody that defense mechanism in our own lives, I know that my small daughters are unable to discern the proper times to enact that attitude. Therefore, even though I really, REALLY want to teach them this horrible truth, I will refrain. I will also refrain from teaching them to be self-absorbed and only care about how things affect them. I find it appalling, really, that most grown-ups don't understand the effect that their actions have on the greater picture so I will do my darndest to teach my children that their actions affect all the people around them.

Again, I find it necessary to point out that your child is really benefiting greatly from my parenting. Not only does your child get to act however she wants, not only does she only need to care about herself, but MY child will treat your child with respect and kindness regardless of your child's behavior or attitude. Congratulations on all of the advantages that your child has now and will always have in the future! She will forever be lucky.

I'm sorry that she won't have the opportunity to build character that will be noticed by others. I'm sorry that she won't have the opportunity to cultivate meaningful relationships with other people. I'm sorry that she won't be trusted in her adult life because she hasn't learned to take responsibility for her own actions. Those are tough prices to pay, but hey - she's pretty special in third grade, right? Thats what matters.

So I guess this is really a thank you note. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to teach my children these wonderful things. My heart hurts tremendously and I have shed many tears, but my children are being refined by the fire that your child has lit. Thank you.

Holy Crap - Did I really just pay $18 for all of this?

2010-09-10T19:45:00.001-05:00

Hello there, friends of mine :) I have been absent for a long time. No good excuse really, except that I've been getting life back to a routine since school began and I'm painting my kitchen cabinets AGAIN (that would be the third (and final) time in 3 years).

In the hiatus, I have secured a printer that actually is compatible with my computer and I can finally print stuff. Which has been the excuse I've used for not doing more coupon shopping - I couldn't print the good ones. Well, no more excuses. After some trial runs, I finally went for a big(ish) one tonight. And let me just say - this took a good amount of time to plan, but I executed it perfectly, right down to getting in the car and figuring out that they didn't give me my $5 instant savings on two of my transactions, going back into the store and getting my $10 back (yea for me).

I've been a bit nervous about this whole deal and I have some internal conflicts about it. I don't normally feed my family some of this stuff as a lot of it is quite sugary, but if I save for treats/after school snacks, I'm okay with it. My girls don't snack a lot as it is so I think we're going to be okay. In addition, I'm going to squirrel some of this away for birthday treats and such.

Here is what I did:

Transaction #1:
2 frosted miniwheats = $2.50/ -> used $1/2 coupon from newspaper insert
3 Kellogg's Fruit Snacks = $2.00/-> used $1/2 from insert & $1/1 printable
3 Poptarts (12pks) = $2.50/ -> used $1/3 from insert
2 Keebler cookies = $2.50/ -> used $1/2 from insert
Total was $19.03: paid with $5.00 catalina + $14.03 in cash
Received $10 catalina (off your next order) for buying 10 participating items
$14.03 out of pocket

Transaction #2:
2 Pillsbury Grands biscuits = $1.50/ -> used $1/1 printable
2 Pillsbury refrig. cookie dough = $2.50/ -> used $1/2 from insert
4 Pillsbury French Bread Loaves = $1.50/ -> used $1/2 printable + .40/2 from insert
2 Yoplait GoGurts = $1.50/-> used $1/2 printable
Total was $16.05: paid with $10.00 catalina from previous transaction + received $5.00 instant savings for buying 10 participating products (what I went back to the store to get back)
Received $3.00 catalina for buying 6 participating pillsbury products
Received 50 Box Tops for Education
Out of pocket: $1.05

Transaction #3:
2 Yoplait GoGurts = $1.50/ -> used .75/2 from insert
1 Bisquick pourable pancake batter = 1.00/ -> used .50/1
2 Green Giant Fresh Valley Steamers = $1.50/ -> used $1/2 printable
5 Chex Mix = 1.00/ -> used $1/2 printable + .50/2 from insert + .50/1 printable
Received 50 Box Tops for Education
Total was $10.85: paid with $3.00 catalina from previous transaction + received $5.00 instant savings for a total out of pocket of $2.85

Out of pocket for tonight: $17.93

AND I received 130 total Box Tops for Education for the girls' school (100 from the bonuses + 30 from the products - I tried to buy the items that had 2 on them if possible).

Compared to some of these blogs that I follow, this is nothing, but I consider it respectable AND it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.

Special thanks to mashupmom and Couponing for 4 for the ideas on your blogs!

Yosemite - Day 6: July 28, 2010

2010-08-18T11:07:00.001-05:00

editorial note: decided I should finally finish this up. It will come with a lot fewer photos and links because I'm tired and sick of the photo uploading situation... made a Yosemite photobook online yesterday and it took me ALL.DAY. and I am desperately sick of dealing with the photos. You can see the photobook here (I think).

Today was our trip to the Valley. Everything that we read prior to coming out here said that the Valley is very busy and crowded. And it was. We had been told by several people in the area that we should at least go see the Ahwhanee Hotel, so after talking with a guy at Glacier Point, we decided to go there for breakfast. This required us to leave the room early to get down there for our 9:15 reservations. The goal was 7:15, but we got out at 7:40. We missed our reservations by 15 minutes, but they seated us without question in their grand dining room.

I have to say, the hotel is beautiful, BUT, because I'm not a visual, artistic, architectural person, the amazingness of the place was a little lost on me. I could definitely see why people think it is so incredible, however, I would not have missed out on anything if we had skipped it. And the breakfast, while decent, was not worth the price we paid ($80 for the 5 of us to have the buffet).

After breakfast we parked the car in Yosemite Village and began our walk to find a place to swim in the Merced River. This was not pleasing to the girls at. all. This was not a hike in the mountains with areas to explore, this was walking down the road or on a bike path to a place and they were sick of it and none too pleased. We managed to ignore them well enough to reach our destination and everyone changed into their suits and we got to the beach.

The beach was very rocky and the water was very cold. That didn't hinder Cornbread and Nodie from doing a little swimming, although they didn't swim for long. Bugly also got in eventually, but was much more hesitant in doing so. Skipper and I decided that going into the water to our knees was quite enough. Cornbread tried to teach the girls how to skip rocks and I don't think he was successful, but he skipped several really well. At one point Bugly and Skipper had asked him to bring them to a tree in the middle of the river and during the transport Bugly's flip flops came off of her feet and started floating down the river. Realizing that lost flip flops would equal a barefoot trek back to the car - or a piggy back ride to the car - I took off after them as fast as I could and got much wetter than I originally wanted to in the process.

From the Merced we took a different route back to the car and stopped at a gift shop in the Village to buy some souvenirs. Nodie's whole life became complete when she was allowed to purchased a small stuffed raccoon (earlier in the week I had told the girls that a souvenir did NOT = a stuffed animal, so she sat in the store for a long time and longingly played with the stuffed animals while the rest of us found our souvenirs... I finally got so sick of her attitude and the crowdedness of the store that I told her to just pick it out and lets go. Her world brightened and she was happy for the rest of the walk). We made our way back to the car and out of the valley, with a quick stop to snap some photos of Cathedral Rocks and El Capitan.

On the way back to the car it was decided that Cornbread would take Nodie fishing near the lodge and I would take the other two swimming in the pool. This plan pleased everyone. The girls and I hung out at the pool with Grant and Jana and Lane & Josie, while Cornbread and Nodie tried to fish at Bass Lake, but ended up swimming instead. We all met back at the room for baths and showers and went down to the firepit area for our Farewell dinner.

The girls actually ate some of the dinner this time around as it included a kids buffet, and we sat with the McGraws again and asked them way too personal of questions :) They are a wonderful family from Iowa whom we really clicked with. Nodie and Lane (6 1/2) spent the evening climbing the hill and sliding down, Bugly and Josie (4) spent the evening trying to lick each other (and succeeding) and dumping dirt on top of each other (did I just mention they took baths before we went?) Skipper was in on the Bugly/Josie thing, but also succeeded in getting Daddy to make her the perfect s'more - and then wouldn't eat it or let anyone else eat it. It was a fun night, we met a few other people, but mainly hung with Grant and Jana.

I had gotten most everything packed before dinner, so we are set to go. We decided today that we are definitely Yosemite'd out. Had enough. Every one of us. And we're missing our Woof.

Yosemite - Day 5: July 27, 2010

2010-08-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

Today's plans were to drive out to Tuolumne Meadows. Tuolumne is in the high country of Yosemite and we knew to expect a long driving day - possibly 3 hours to drive there. We decided to go in via Yosemite Valley (this is the big touristy area of Yosemite and is very crowded and busy) and out via Mariposa & Oakhurst. The drive there was not bad. We hit some construction and had a short wait, but because we were reading Harry Potter, it went by quick. Right at the start of the valley we stopped at Bridal Veil Falls. This is a gigantic waterfall and I have no idea why it was named Bridal Veil Falls. At any rate, we hiked the 1/4 mile to see it and then climbed the rocks near the bottom to get a better look. There were a whole lot of people there and it was quite crowded for 9:30am. We stayed for a while and then continued our journey to Tuolumne.

The rest of the trip took about 2-2 1/2 hours. We wound through some terrifying turns on Tioga Rd, but had some great views along the way. My favorite view was approaching Tenaya Lake. We could see a bright turquoise patch near the road up ahead. It was beautiful from afar, but it was spectacular on the shore. The water was dark turquoise and the lake was surrounded by granite mountain walls and distant mountain peaks. We stopped and had lunch on the small beach and then Cornbread and Nodie went for a swim while Skipper, Bugly and I took a small walk along the shore. We also collected a bag of sand because it has flecks of gold flakes and sparkled brilliantly in the sun. I plan to put it in a pretty jar on my book shelf as a book end.

From there we got back in the car and drove to Lyell Fork, which is a fork of the Teneya river. Cornbread and the girls wanted to do some fishing and the book we were using said this fork would be particularly good. But alas, there was no fish to be found by our family. And I was very irritated... not so into fishing, especially when it doesn't look like a fish could survive in the current of the river. I'm sure there was probably some fish in there, but in my opinion it was a waste of time and the two little ones were antsy to go back to the lodge and go swimming (which was 3 hours away). Skipper and I did some exploring along the river looking for a watering hole that they could swim in, but we didn't find anything without a current that was too strong for me to risk letting them go in over their waists. I had to take the time to explain the situation to Skipper (that if she went under the current could keep her under and carry her away) and I think when she asked if I could survive it and I told her that I probably couldn't, she finally got it and resigned to the fact that she wouldn't be swimming in this river. She was fine, but I think she was bored because the fishing was less than exciting.

On the way home we read some more Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets and I could not be happier that we brought it along with us and have been reading it in the car. The drives are going so smoothly, with little to no complaining and no one asking if we're almost there or how many more minutes or any of the fighting or horsing around that usually happens in the back seat of the car on long road trips. This book has been a miracle worker! In the time that I am taking a break from reading they are even playing Harry & Ron and Hermione back there :) AND, I <3 Harry Potter and Ron and Hermione and am more than thrilled to have an opportunity to read this with the girls.

The weather today was 100% perfect. The sky had 2 clouds in it - I actually looked around for some and saw just two off to the side. It was a brilliant shade of blue, the sun was out, but it wasn't hot. It was gorgeous. We have been blessed with spectacular weather this week - not too hot at all. It is lovely out here.

Cornbread and I have said several times that it would have been cool if he had gone on to grad school and gotten a job working in a national forest like this. It is amazing to be completely submerged in God's creation. Everywhere you turn you see something of incredible beauty and wonder. It would be a haven for someone like me to spend significant time in these trails alone talking with God.

But then again, if he wasn't working for Jones, we wouldn't have the opportunity to see God's creation at Steamboat or Cabo. Both places that are equally as spectacular and beautiful albeit in different ways. We really are blessed to be treated to these amazing trips.

Yosemite - Day 4: July 26, 2010

2010-08-06T10:59:00.000-05:00

This morning we picked up our friend from home, David, to join us in Yosemite for the day. We were thrilled that he wanted to come with us as the girls - and we - absolutely adore him. After Cornbread and the girls picked him up we headed out to the park. Our plans were to get to Glacier Point today, but Cornbread had stopped at the concierge to find out if there were any kid friendly hikes near Glacier Point and had gotten a couple of ideas of some hikes to do before getting to GP.

We set out to climb Sentinel Dome:

We set out on the path, but quickly veered off in our own (Bugly lead) direction. She definitely lead us astray:) We had fun exploring, though, and thought we had gotten to the top of Sentinel Dome (we had no idea what we were doing or where we were going) and were thinking, really? so what?

But as we went back to the parking lot, we found the actual trail and went in the right direction. We met up with some hikers who had done the climb in the past. He told us that it was the second highest peak in Yosemite (other than Half Dome) and that it was the best payoff of a mile hike and well worth the hike. We were a little bit leary because of the girls and the size of the Epcot Center looking structure ahead of us, but as he said, we had to persevere - because it was worth it.

Once again, three little girls continued to amaze us. It was not the hardest hike, but it certainly was not an easy hike at all. And each of them breezed through it like it was a piece of cake. As we got near the base of the dome, I got pretty nervous with wiggly children who like to run and one especially who tends to fall all.the.time. But they were great. I think they understood our nervousness and the potential danger of the situation and really stuck close to us and listened when we told them to stop doing something or to come by us. The base offered some pretty cool views of the Yosemite Falls, El Capitan and of Half Dome, but the best was definitely yet to come.

At the base of Sentinel Dome. David looking over the valley, Nodie making her way to see what he was seeing.

David and Nodie at the base. Upper Yosemite falls in the background on the right.

View of Half Dome at the base of Sentinel Dome.

We continued up the dome... it was a pretty steep climb that was completely on rock. We were so happy to have David with us because he was an extra person to hold one of the girls' hands and help them climb up - we each had one girl to help.

When we got to the top, it was breathtaking. Seriously. Honestly. Breathtaking. Like nothing I could actually describe. We could see the whole Yosemite Valley, El Capitan, Half Dome, Cathedral Rocks, Yosemite Falls, another waterfall, the Sierra Nevadas on the other side. Mountains and peaks as far as you could look. Nothing but mountains and God's creativity. Nothing but amazing creation.

The first thing I saw when Bugly and I finally got to the top. My heart almost stopped:)

Our hiking team: Me, Cornbread, Skipper, David, Bugly and Nodie. Half Dome in the background.

We stayed on the top for quite some time, just enjoying the view and taking tons of photos and finally decided to make our way back to the car and lunch. Since we hadn't used the actual path for most of the hike, it seemed like a whole new hike on the way back and it was fun.

Nodie taking in the view of Half Dome.

Cathedral Rocks on the left and El Capitan on the right. El Capitan is the largest granite monolith in the world - just a giant wall of granite.

View of Upper and either middle or lower Yosemite Falls from the top of Sentinel Dome.

After eating lunch at the car, we got in and drove to Glacier Point, which was another spectacular viewpoint of the valley. This view was a little lower, so we could see the layout of the valley a little bit better. It was also beautiful and we were happy we did it after Sentinal Dome because we may not have taken the time to hike the dome otherwise.

This is the actual point of Glacier Point. Years and years ago, people used to dance on this formation, do handstands and all matter of life threatening things. They have since been cordoned off and you cannot climb on them - which is good, because there is nothing to catch you if you fall. You can also see Yosemite Falls to the right.

Yosemite Valley as seen from Glacier Point.

View of Half Dome from Glacier Point.

On our way back to the Lodge, I read a few more chapters of Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets. We have been reading whenever we're driving for more than 10 minutes and the girls are completely engaged in this book. It has made the driving portion of this trip so incredibly enjoyable. The girls have been remarkably well behaved and good - I was definitely not anticipating things to be this great and easy.

We ended our evening by having dinner with Dave and Gramma at El Cid, a Mexican restaurant in Oakhurst. We are again going to crash before 9:30.

Yosemite - Day 3: July 25, 2010

2010-08-04T11:13:00.005-05:00

Today our goal was to get up fairly early and get into Yosemite early. We had been told by many sources that if you get there too late, there will be a wait at the entrance. So we were out of the hotel by 8:45am and we got right in. Our agenda was to see the giant sequoias at Mariposa Grove. Initially we planned to hike the 3 miles up to the upper grove and then hike back, but Cornbread found out that there was a tram ride that we could take to the top and hike down. It was not a planned expense, but it was definitely worth it.

The tram ride included radios with an interesting running commentary about the trees and the grove. We learned many things about the giant sequoias: they are weirdly resistant to diseases and insects, after they fall they refuse to decay, they can have the entire center (heartwood) burned out of them and still live, they have very shallow roots which intertwine with other giants to create stability, they fall due to heavy wind or snow storms (can you even imagine what it would be like if one of those thing toppled over?), the largest tree in the grove is The Grizzly Giant, which is 98 feet across and some of its branches are 7 feet across. These things are phenomenal. It is unreal to be near them and to see the girls next to them. I've seen them in books and pictures, but it is simply incredible to be right up next to them.

Bugly next to the roots of a fallen giant.

The girls posing by one of the giants.

Bugly is in this picture... looking for the Berenstein Bears' home.

We got to the upper grove and hopped off of the tram and hiked down. I would guess that we hiked between 3 and 4 miles with all of the meandering we did in order to see some of the famous trees up close and personal (Grizzly Giant, Telescope, Clothespin, Faithful Couple). We all had a great time exploring and following our noses. The hike was nicer near the uppergrove as it was just us and the forest. Near the bottom it was very busy with many tourists. The girls had a great time - we each had a walking stick and we stayed on the path, but had the liberty to veer off to see something cool. We hiked up a hill to see what was on the other side, we climbed giant rocks, we crawled through some trees, we searched and searched for the Bernstein Bears' house:) The last mile was a little rough as some little legs got pretty tired, but overall they did great.

Inside the Telescope Tree. The heartwood of this tree has been completely burned out and you can go in, look up and see the sky through the tree canopy.

We went back to our room to shower and change (it is dusty and dirty in the forest and we were FILTHY!) and then went out to Oakhurst to visit with a friend who lives there. Actually, one of our close friends had been at Calvin Crest Camp for the last two weeks and was at his grandma's afterward. He stayed in CA for a couple of extra days so he could hang out with us while we were here. We visited Gramma and David for a little bit and then they took us to Calvin Crest to show us around.

Calvin Crest is kind of a legacy in their family. Both of our friends, Doug & Jenny, were campers and on staff there, Gramma and Grampa were permanent staff there for 10 years, and both of the boys have camped there every summer since we've known them. Calvin Crest is kind of a big deal and we definitely enjoyed our visit there. Nodie would be old enough to go out there next summer, but I'm not sure we could swing the camp fee AND the plane tickets, but we'll definitely keep it in mind... camp in the mountains.

After our visit at Calvin Crest we went back to Gramma's for dinner. She made us a wonderful Tri-Tip dinner and we had a really nice visit. Again, we were all wiped by 8:30 so we came back and crashed in bed.

This is definitely our kind of vacation - active, up early, to bed early, doing stuff and being exhausted. However, I'm missing the beach vacations that we've done in the past and I keep telling Cornbread that while I'm having a great time, I'm ready for Belize next March LOL:) We'll see what is available by the time he earns the next trip, but I'm thinking a beach resort may be in order for the winter/early spring of 2011. I am definitely, definitely spoiled.

Yosemite - Day 2: July 24, 2010

2010-08-03T12:41:00.004-05:00

Woke up and had buffet breakfast provided by Jones. Cornbread had a meeting, so the girls and I went back to the room and they watched some tv while I read my book. I brought them to the children's activities that were provided by Jones while I was supposed to join Cornbread in the meeting, but I ditched the meeting and went back to the room to read. (note: it is Tuesday August 3rd and I STILL feel guilty about ditching).

The girls were done at 12:15. After picking them up we went into Oakhurst to do some grocery shopping. Stopped at a fruitstand for some cherries and nectarines and went to the grocery store to get some food for breakfasts and lunches. (note: cherries at this fruit stand cannot be compared to cherries from the farmer's markets here. I didn't even finish them, they were so unimpressive.)

The concierge had spoken at Cornbread's meeting and told them about a hiking trail that was very close to the lodge so we decided to do that rather than try to get into Yosemite yet that afternoon. It was awesome. The hike was about 1/2 - 3/4 of a mile and ended at a waterfall with a bunch of pools. Cornbread and the girls had worn their swimsuits so they did a lot of wading and falling and getting wet. I was the photographer :) We explored as many pools as we felt comfortable doing (the higher we got the stronger the current and the deeper the pools were), and went back to the lodge to get in the real pool for a little bit.

Initially we had planned to go on a ChuckWagon BBQ dinner ride on Wednesday night, but after talking to a few people decided that we'd prefer to do a moonlight dinner ride on the Sugar Pine Railway. Two other Jones families with children close in age to our girls were also there. We had a good time eating dinner (of which the girls hardly ate anything) and riding the train through the forest. The train stopped at a firepit and we all got off and had about an hour of entertainment by The SugarPines - a group of three locals who played guitars and sang sing-along favorites. It was totally corny, but everyone had a good time. We then rode back to the station in complete dark/moonlight.

Got back to the room around 9:30 PST and crashed. Everyone is sleeping very, very well here.As of this day, Nodie has hated almost every moment of the trip. We've had to have several "conversations" with her about her attitude... I certainly expected that kind of thing when she was 12 or 13, but not at 8 1/2. Oh well, she can be miserable. WE will not be. She'll get better - hopefully.

Yosemite - Day 1: July 23, 2010

2010-08-02T10:11:00.002-05:00

Today promised to be a horrible day... On Thursday, when I was supposed to be packing for a 1 week vacation in the mountains (read: summer clothes AND fall clothes) for our family of 5, I was actually bringing 3 children to the Minute Clinic to find out why they were coughing so much. Five ear infections, 1 case of bronchial spasms, and 12 prescriptions later I was finally home. The babysitter I had planned to have that afternoon to occupy the girls while I got the house cleaned and all of us packed got cancelled and instead I fit breathing treatments and antibiotics in between everything else. I ended up with everything done and that was all that mattered. BUT, our flights were leaving at 6am the next morning and we had to get up at 2:30am... so not much sleep was had by anyone in our family.

Two tired adults + 3 tired, sick children + 4 suitcases + 2 car seats + 5 carry ons + 2 flights + no inflight meals + 4 hour drive = misery. Thats what I expected.

And I was so wrong.

Not wrong about everyone being tired. We all were. But I was wrong about the misery. It was unbelievable. The girls were amazing and were incredible on both flights. They slept a little bit, but otherwise occupied themselves very nicely. The car ride was also fine (probably the worst leg of the trip, but it was still good). I was simply amazed. And very thankful.

We arrived at Tenaya Lodge around 3:30 PST (5:30 our time). The air smelled different. Clean. Fresh. Piney. Awesome! Our room was not quite ready so we took some time to explore the lodge and then went up to our room. Cornbread took the girls swimming while I unpacked EVERYTHING. I thought I had a little time to take a nap, too, but ended up reading instead (stupid Malcolm Gladwell... can't ever put his books down).

We went off to our Edward Jones welcome dinner, where the girls ate hardly anything. They were required to eat at least something before they could have their ice cream treat, so they complied and obeyed, but it wasn't impressive. They played with some of the kids for a little bit while we talked to the grown ups, but we were all exhausted and needed to go. to. bed.

Before bed, however, we went down to the parking lot and took a few pictures. We bought each of the girls a disposable camera for the trip and they were eager to take Day 1 photos. We climbed up a small hill on the side of the parking lot and had a mini-adventure where we found a giant pine cone and a log and a lot of burrs stuck in shoelaces and underpants:)

And then we went to bed and I barely made it past 9pm. It was a good day. We had our moments, but overall it was a surprisingly good day. Apparently, expecting the worst has its advantages :)

The Bullet List

2010-07-06T11:13:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend we had a chance to hang out with some family that we haven't seen in a while. One of Cornbread's cousins told us that she had gone skydiving for her birthday. She mentioned that it was an item on her bullet list and talked about how she and her husband feel like they need to live now - not wait.

That conversation prompted conversation between me and Cornbread.

Cornbread: What would be on YOUR bullet list?
Jana: Hmmm. I don't know. I don't really have a bullet list.

J: What would be on YOURS?

C: I don't know. I guess, maybe going to the olympics. But I can't think of anything else right off hand. Besides, even though I'd like to go to the olympics someday, I wouldn't feel incomplete or have regrets if I died and never went. So I don't know if that really makes it an item on my bullet list.

Thinking.

Should I have a bullet list? Hearing Jennifer talk about it made me somewhat jealous of her. Was I jealous about the skydiving? Or jealous that she had a bullet list? Or jealous that she had a bullet list and was able to cross something off of it? Or a mixture of all of the above?

Ultimately, I've decided that while I think it is cool for people to have their own bullet list, I, personally don't want or need one. There really is nothing in this world that I really, really want to do before I die. There is no place that I'm yearning to visit. Not only that, but after seeing 3 years of incentive trip options that Cornbread can earn, I know that there are very, very few places in this world that I won't have a chance to visit (I'm not trying to brag about that, just stating reality... Assuming Cornbread stays with EJ for the rest of his career, we will have the option to visit just about any place we want... Russia, Asia, Africa, New Zeeland, Australia, Europe, etc.)

But beyond the traveling possibilities, I don't want to live my life with a list in front of me always hoping that I can do this or that someday. Two years ago, surfing would not have been something that I would have wanted to do. In fact, when Cornbread suggested it, I kind of did one of those "eh, I guess, if thats what you want to do... I don't have much desire to do it, but I'll do it with you if you want" reactions. And as it turned out, it was one of the most incredible experiences.

THAT is how I want to live my life. Not with a list up in front of me with a goal of crossing items and places off, but living in the moment and welcoming experiences and adventures that are not part of my everyday life. I don't want to say no to something because I'm scared (bungee jumping), I want to experience life and its opportunities. I want to create memories.

I didn't think this way before Cornbread and I started dating. I was very practical and not willing to do things that maybe were inappropriate or questionable or possibly illegal :) I'm not saying we did a bunch of those things, however, there was one date that changed me...

He took me to Holland (MI) and before we left, we passed a private beach that he and his friends had camped on one night. They were tresspassing (and they knew it). They built a fire, they skinny dipped in the lake, they drank some beer and they slept under the stars. I was appropriately impressed (or acted like it because we were newly dating), but it was not something I would have ever done. What would have happened if someone found them?

I think he briefly suggested we go swimming, even though we didn't have our suits. I don't think he was suggesting skinny dipping as a form of foreplay lol, but an experience. And I immediately turned him down. I would NEVER do that - not in my pool, but certainly, most definitely not in a lake in a place where someone could walk up and catch me.

We started to leave. And then something occurred to me: I wanted experiences and memories. I wanted to have children someday and have stories to tell them. What fun is life if I never experienced it?

We turned around and went to the beach and went skinny dipping. I know its not a big, huge, naughty thing to do, but for me at that time, it was. And it was life changing.

So I don't want to brainstorm a list of things that I want to do someday and hang it on my refrigerator as a reminder of the goals that I've set and the parameters upon which I will judge whether or not I lived a complete life. I would likely miss out on things because right now, I'm not compelled to skydive or bungee jump or climb Mt. Everest. However, if I live fully and presently and keep my mind open to opportunities and focus on having a life of experiences, memories and stories then quite likely, when I die I may have done those things anyway.

this post is in no way intended to be a criticism of bullet lists or people who have bullet lists. I think they are cool and I love to hear about them. While thinking about it, I, personally came to the conclusions - for myself - that I wrote about above.

2010-06-30T12:15:00.003-05:00

Recently, Cornbread and I have been talking about enjoying our journey - rather than focusing so hard on what we hope the end result of the journey is. I feel like this is something I need to work on in so many areas of life. Of course there is the seemingly constant struggle of our financial/Edward Jones journey - I feel like that is a continual process of one step forward and two steps back. Once we get a few months of stepping forward, we're reminded that - HEY! HEEYYY! This isn't so easy. You're not going to get off that easy - you don't get 5 years of struggle and then all of the sudden the struggle is done. You may get a reprieve here and there, but its not over, honey. Lest you think you might be past the hard part, here's a little reminder for you.

And a lot of times, I admit, those reminders make me turn to God and ask him what the heck is going on. Come on, God? Haven't we had enough? Aren't we over this? Can't we get some relief from THIS particular thing? I mean, really, its getting pretty old right about now. And by the way... what are we doing wrong?

But I have so many areas where I need to learn to live in the moment and enjoy the journey rather than focus on my anticipated end result. Hasn't that been my biggest challenge of parenthood? If you go back through all of the years of writing I've done, I find this struggle over and over and over. Wanting some freedom from the dependence of my children. Wanting to be free of feeling like I'm being smothered. Wanting some time for myself. Wanting them to grow up a little quicker because I know that as soon as they are all "these" ages, life will be easier. Its all right there in black and white - my ever present struggle. Not that I don't love my kids and love their ages, for the most part, but my struggle with being so highly depended on, while needing time to myself.

That journey has gotten exponentially easier... all three of my girls are pretty independent. I don't feel so smothered all the time anymore. Life IS easier in that regard. But right now-summer- is always difficult because of the lack of routine and the need to cart around 3 extra people in order to do anything and the boredom that they feel at times. So my continual struggle THIS summer is to enjoy each day instead of counting down the days until this thing or that thing. Luckily for me, we have quite a few plans for the summer so its broken up really well into 2 or 3 week segments until the next big family even occurs. That DOES makes summer-as-a-whole easier, but I still need to stop and enjoy the journey of getting there.

The journey - in all of our areas - is where the growth takes place, not the end result. It is the journey that is teaching our family to choose fun, free, family activities that build relationships rather than spending money to do stuff that occupies our time, but does not contribute to our family bond in a significant way. It is in the journey where Cornbread and I are learning to be dependent on an unseeable, sometimes seemingly distant God. One whomI feel like I'm constantly trying to convince that we are worthy of his blessings (I know that is bad theology... not talking theology here, but honestly relaying my feelings). In our journey - not the ambiguous end result - we continually have to offer our budget, our finances, our spending, our desires and thoughts to him and lay them and ourselves at his feet and stop giving him our options on how to solve the problems we think we have. It is in the journey that we learn that we have absolutely no control over any of this, so why are we holding so tightly to the idea that we can do it ourselves?

I feel like I've written this post over and over and over throughout the years. Its a lesson that I need to learn again and again. When I was a teenager, my parents used to tell me what they said went in one ear and out the other... THIS lesson feels exactly like that - it goes in one chamber of my heart and immediately out the other and barely spends enough time there to take hold and change me.

I have good intentions. I want to be like this, but somehow I ALWAYS get distracted.

Yesterday, in an effort to enjoy the journey of having small, but big kids, I brought them to the store and we got items to make root beer floats. Cost me all of $5 and it was exciting and fun and special. And I made sure that I didn't just make the floats and walk away while they enjoyed them... I didn't make one for myself, but I sat with them while they had theirs. This is a step in the right direction for me.

Today, instead of picking up my house, I am sitting outside, enjoying the beautiful weather, giving myself the absolute worst, messiest pedicure in the history of pedicures and later I will take the girls swimming at FFFN and maybe I'll actually get into the pool with them in an effort to enjoy THEM (I hate swimming in above ground pools). These are not big things, but it doesn't matter... its the art of enjoying life and what we DO have that matters.

I've struggled, this summer, with being a fully present and non-dismissive mom. I've been distracted, dismissive, selfish, and sometimes rude and snotty to my kids. And after recognizing that and trying to turn it around, I've realized how much happier I am when I am fully present in their lives and when I am intentional in my parenting and relationships with them.

Here's to a joyful and enjoyable July and August!

complacent

2010-06-24T08:44:00.004-05:00

Friends of ours are adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. They've gotten her picture, they're loving her from here. I try, but I can't imagine how it must feel to know that your child is across the world and you want to hold her and love her, but because of this thing or that thing in their government, you have to wait. And wait. And wait. They will be traveling to Ethiopia to go through the court process - they will meet her and hold her and love her and then they will leave her and go back a few months later to pick her up. Can you imagine?

We were with them last night. He had been to Uganda on a mission trip earlier this year. She has been passionate about helping orphans in this world for several years. They are committed to helping those who are unable to help themselves. He was telling us about how difficult it was to come back to this life of extravagance after being there, where running water is a luxury. He took a Ugandan man to Walgreen's a couple of weeks ago and he was in awe and told our friend that everything you could ever want was right in that store... Our friend was looking at the same items in disgust.

Its about perspective, right?

I'm frustrated that we don't have more money to give. That we WANT to give, but we just don't have it to give. Sometimes I ask God: "Why did you give us generous hearts, but not the means to be generous?"

And then I look around at all of this STUFF in this house.

Socrates - "The unaware life is not worth living."

How do I keep myself aware in all areas of my life? In terms of: not accumulating more? being fully present for my girls? not being envious of what others have that I can't have? not being bitter and resentful about not being able to live the way I WANT to live? not being grateful for what I do have? wondering when it is going to be our turn? wondering why the breaks don't seem to swing our way? How do I fall so quickly into complacency?

He said something last night that really resonates with me: after seeing their lives and how they live, he realizes that talking about and arguing about and debating about politics (or anything, really, we just happened to be talking about politics at that moment) just doesn't matter. Its all about living for God and doing what we can for his glory. Its about being more successful so we can give more - not live more. We live comfortably. We have all the food we could ever want, all the clothes, all the heat, a/c, water, etc. Others don't.

My burden this morning, is figuring out how I and my family need to change to become more aware.

Summer Regional 2010 - Day 4

2010-06-22T09:50:00.002-05:00

Sunday morning reminded me why I do not drink a lot or very often. Ugh. A couple of hours of sleep, a headache, dehydration. Ugh. It was rough, but when the kids are involved you don't get the option of giving in and laying in bed for the morning. Its fine - I wouldn't want to waste my day like that anyway. We got up, got everyone ready and went to breakfast.

Our waterpark passes were good for the entire day, so we had decided ahead of time to take our time getting home. We went back to the waterpark after breakfast and then went back to our room for lunch and to pack up. We checked out, packed up the car and went over to mini golf place across the street. The girls had never mini-golfed and I think that it was possibly the cutest thing I'd ever seen. Between Skipper trying to figure out how to hold the club properly and Bugly doing whatever she wanted and Peek trying to size up the course and figure out the best shot, they were all adorable.

Until the 2nd hole.

Bugly was walking along the hole border like a balance beam and lost her balance and fell and hit her head on a large landscaping rock. I ran over and picked her up and laid her on my lap. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she seemed to start shaking a little bit. I immediately began to flip out, Cornbread, came and grabbed her from me and she came to and started crying. I continued to flip out and told him I didn't know what to do - I didn't know what any of that meant and we were out of town and I just had no clue what to do. Thankfully, our 8 year old had the presence of mind to run to the little shop and ask for help. The girlfriend of the owner happens to be a nurse and she came over and very calmly told us that she'd be okay and that we could take her to the hospital or they could call an ambulance. We opted to bring her ourselves to get her checked out.

Interestingly, even now she does not have a bump, a scrape or anything on her head to indicate that she hit it on anything. She has a scrape on her upper arm, but nothing on her head. The doctor at the ER determined that she was perhaps more dazed after it happened than actually unconscious. He felt she was completely fine, but advised us of what behavior to look for over the next 24 hours to indicate it was necessary for her to be seen again. He gave her some princess stickers, put a bandage on her arm and sent us on our way. It was the fastest er visit we've ever had.

When we got back in the car, we all decided that we'd like to go back and finish our mini-golf game. And even though Bugly had no desire to continue the game, she was willing to go back and hang out with us while we did. The owners were thrilled to see that she was okay and they gave us some coupons for free games and gave each of the girls a free slushie. It was a fun afternoon, but between the two younger girls, I think they were determined to have the owner hand the place over to us... Bugly kept walking on the edges of things and losing her balance, Skipper kept tripping over her own feet (in typical Skipper fashion).

We grabbed some ice cream after the game and made our way home. I figured they'd all sleep the whole way home, but I think Bugly slept for about 20 minutes and that was it. No one slept for the rest of the trip.

I am so happy that we brought the girls with us this year. We had a wonderful time with them and having them there did not change my experience at all - with the exception of not being able to go out running whenever I wanted, but I can handle that. These regional trips are just one of the huge perks that Cornbread has with his job. I am so grateful that we get these opportunities. But not only these mini vacations and the diversification trips, but he works for a company that has a philosophy that if you do what is best for your customer, success will follow. Ted Jones wrote an incredible letter to Sam Walton (of Walmart & Sam's Club) in response to Sam Walton telling him that if he sold his firm, he could be the richest man in America. Ted Jones responded by saying he already was the richest man in America.

“I have a wife who loves me in spite of all my faults. I have four dogs. Two love only me. One loves everybody. One loves no one but is still very loyal. . . . I enjoy my business. I love my farm and my home. I have a few close friends, and money has never been my God."

That is the founding philosophy of this firm. I am so proud to be a part of Edward Jones and I am so grateful that my husband is encouraged to preserve his integrity and character instead of do things to make money at the expense of his clients. I am grateful that he does not have to choose between money and what is right. It has been a difficult journey, but we have never considered abandoning it. We are fortunate and blessed to be a part of this and to take this journey. While it has been hard and sometimes very stressful, it was one of the best decisions we've ever made.

Summer Regional 2010 - Day 3

2010-06-21T09:17:00.003-05:00

The girls were so tired on Saturday morning. I had to wake them up to get breakfast (it ended at 9) and each of them begged to go back to bed instead. Being as mean as I am, I insisted we go to breakfast, so we went. Peek was showing that my dad's genetics have cleanly passed down to her as she commented over and over that it was "all you can eat" and had NINE pancakes and TWO little boxes of cereal. This child has the cutest little body and she can put food away like no one expects - I've had other parents tell me in amazed voices: "She ate SIX pieces of pizza" or "She had FIVE cupcakes". So she was very excited to go up by herself and get more and more and more. Sometimes I think the freedom is more exciting than the food.

Anyway... :)

Cornbread had meetings all morning, so we went back to the room, I bought some tickets and we went out to the waterpark. We were there for the morning and it was a loooooong morning for me. I like the waterslides, but I'm not a big fan of just hanging out in a pool and that is what Bugly and Skipper wanted to do. They were just a little too far away for me to let them play in the water by themselves while I sat and chatted with my friends. So it just seemed like the morning dragged. We got through it, Cornbread joined us around 12:00 and we went back to the room to have lunch. He took them to the beach, the outdoor pool and back to the waterpark while I ran to Target to buy Peek some new flip-flops (she lost hers the night before).

When I found them in the waterpark, Bugly wanted to go back to the room to take a nap so I took her back. I wasn't too upset about that:) I put her in the bathtub to wash her hair and she ended up playing in there with a plastic cup and a washcloth for nearly an hour (this child LIVES in Pretend World and can use anything as her characters). Just as she was getting out and was going to lay down, Cornbread and the girls came back. I quickly changed into my running clothes and went out. I was only out there for 23 minutes because the wind was pretty strong and going in every direction and I was sick of fighting it. The girls had gone to our friends room next door so Cornbread and I queued up our favorite tv program and sat down to catch up.

Saturday evening is always the awards dinner. This used to be the most awkward time of the weekend for us. Trying to figure out where to sit and with whom and then sitting with people we didn't know and trying to make conversation... it sucked. Think: wedding reception with people you hardly know, but no assigned seating. Also think: high school cafeteria. While the people are not cliquey like that, it just feels like that when you walk in the door and don't know people very well and know that they know others pretty well. We don't feel like that anymore as we have made relationships with most everyone in the room so we don't care who we sit with. We ended up sitting with Jay and Hilary and Kurt & Debbie and a new FA.

Entertainment for the evening was put together by two of the FA's. They put together a few Minute to Win It games and had contacted people beforehand to ask if they would participate. Mike had called me a week before and asked if I would be part of it and I had agreed. I figured I'd be nervous and embarassed, but Cornbread had told me to commit and go all in or I would look stupid, so I did. It was fun. I think there were 6 of us and we had to play games that made us look like idiots, but everyone loved it and we all had a good time. I came in 2nd to last place because I earned 0 points in the first game because my cups fell and I was out of the game.

After dinner we are always treated to an open bar by one of the product partners that comes to the trip. We went back to the room and changed into more comfortable clothes, got the babysitter and the girls settled and went back to the bar. As usual, it was a very celebratory atmosphere. Everyone is having a good time and really enjoying spending time with eachother. In the end, its fun because we all really genuinely like each other. Many of us closed down the bar and finally left. Cornbread and I went back to our room to relieve the babysitter and had an afterparty with Jay and Hilary in their room until 4:00.

The next morning was pretty rough;)

Summer Regional 2010 - Day 2

2010-06-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here at the end of Day 2 and even though there have been times when I've wanted to literally throttle one or two of my girls, on the whole this has been a very, very enjoyable mini vacation for our family. I enjoy going on vacation with the family, but it adds a layer of stress when there are so many other people that we want to spend time with and haven't seen in a while. The girls have been awesome and Peek and Skipper are old enough to go off on their own in the waterpark and the three of them together are old enough to be in the room by themselves if we're down the hall.

Cornbread woke up early this morning to workout. After he got back I actually changed into my running clothes, but decided to forgo the run in favor of walking together to a little bakery cafe across the canal for breakfast. It was a 20 minute walk to the cafe and the options promised not to disappoint (the grown ups). We settled on a spinach & feta scone (wow), a granny smith muffin with cream cheese frosting (had the fried chicken moment of granny smith muffin with cream cheese frosting almost immediately, but it was very good), a strawberry muffin and some chocolate biscotti. We ate outside overlooking the water, much to the complaint of our very hot little girls. Bugly spent breakfast under the table - she's no dummy. Predictably, we spent $22 on all of this amazing bakery food and they each ate one bite of each thing and didn't like it. We walked back and changed to go to the waterpark.

While hanging out with some of the other EJ people in the waterpark, we were talking about meals and food and our kids not eating and I decided to go to the grocery store to get lunch food. A better decision has not been made in recent memory:) I ran to Piggly Wiggly while Cornbread hung out with the girls in the waterpark. I grabbed enough food to feed 4 families of 5 for a week and we all had lunch in our room. Ahhhh - no spending a fortune on snack shop food and leaving all but one bite on the plate! Yea for me!

Cornbread and I had meetings in the afternoon and the girls nervously went to the babysitting room. They were a bit hesitant since they hadn't done this before and didn't know most of the other kids, but they did very well and are quite excited to go back tomorrow night for movie night.

While in the introduction meeting, each of the FA's had to introduce themselves and their spouse and tell us who they brought along on the trip. Cornbread graciously introduced himself and went on to introduce me and say that we came with our 3 little "mini Jana's. I don't think I had anything to do with them. She just spurted them out." This was met with a lot of laughter, but I am now known as the Spurter... very happy about that:)

He went on to his meetings and I went to the spouses meeting. This used to be a very uncomfortable meeting for me, but now I really enjoy it. There are so many wonderful women in the room that I adore and feel such a unique connection with. We are united in our support of our husbands and the firm and united in the struggles to get through the journey. Every one of us have been on the journey from step one - no matter where we are right now, we have been at the beginning and there is a certain camraderie amongst us that doesn't exist in other female relationships that I have. So it is a great - and short - meeting.

I grabbed the girls and we stopped for a little treat at the sweet shoppe in the hotel. Again, it was amazing and they each had one bite and were done. So they went off to the room and I stayed and chatted with EJ people as they came by. Cornbread joined me when his meetings were finished. I thought about going out for a run, but decided against it because of the wind. Jay and Hillary and their girls came back to our room and we got ready for dinner and headed out.

We had EJ provided buffet for dinner and lawn games, bonfire and s'mores afterward. There were several potato sack races between a lot of the kids and even some of the FA's got involved. There were a lot of sticky children running around having fun together. Many conversations. And our evening ended with some very tired children making it very clear that they were ready to go back to the room and go to bed.

Its nice to be away from home. Away from the responsibilities. Taking a break from feeling like we are never going to make it and we are never going to be comfortable. Being around other people who are there with us. Who are feeling it like us. But who recognize the hope along with us. Friends and colleagues who cling to that hope because we see others who are living the dream that we have. And those who are living it are real people who are interested and encouraging to those of us on this end of the journey. Because they have been on this end. At some point they clung to this hope. They are proof that persistence works and perseverance will win in the end.

It has been a good, good day.

Summer Regional 2010 - Day 1

2010-06-18T09:37:00.002-05:00

Its that time of year again... we take off for a long weekend and spend it with our favorite Edward Jones families. I recognize how different this sounds from the first couple of regionals we attended. In 5 1/2 years, we have come to really love (some of) these people and look forward to spending this extended time with them every year.

We're back to Sheboygan, WI at Blue Harbor Resort this year. And this year, we have finally brought the girls with us. Much to everyone else's amusement... we have already heard many jokes about how "nice it is to finally SEE your children" etc. etc. I think there is a bit of jealousy laced in those comments:) We are fortunate to have parents that are willing to help us on these weekends. This year, however, since it was back at a waterpark we decided to brave it and bring them with us.

One thing I will say, though, in regards to not having brought the girls with us in the past: it really afforded us the opportunity to make and cultivate some great relationships with people in the region. We were not bound by nap and bedtime schedules. We didn't have to be back in our rooms at specific times. We were not pulled away from conversations by impatient children. We were able to get to know people in a way that we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. And I wouldn't trade that for anything, because now we have actual relationships with many of them. At the same time, it should be noted that most of the places we've gone to in the last several years were not very kid friendly and if next year's location is not kid friendly, we may not bring them with us then, either.

Anyway... brought my laptop with me this year so I can work on Saturday morning, so I figured I'd update everyday rather than do a summary at the end (those are sooooo overwhelming for me to craft).

The actual regional has been cut down again this year to just F-S, however, we opted to again extend our weekend by one day and came out yesterday (Thursday). We left at 2ish and arrived around 5:15. The second I opened the car door, I knew I had to go running. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and the location is awesome - right on the lake & canal. So we got everything up to the room and I changed and went out for 4 miles. It was awesome.

We went down to the waterpark and found the other EJ people who had extended and chatted for a few minutes before embarking on the pizza party. The girls, though, were chomping at the bit to get in the water - and who could blame them? Pizza is nothing compared to water slides and pools! We spent the remainder of the evening in the waterpark and left when it closed at 9.

After getting everyone set in their pajammies and settled in their little boat-beds with Animal Planet going for them, some friends (Paul & Kim & Jay) came to visit and have a few drinks. It was a nice evening - just a few of us, hanging out, no agenda, no responsibilities and plenty of drinks to go around:)

Beautiful.

Why I will never be a professional blogger

2010-05-19T12:06:00.002-05:00

I follow quite a few blogs in my trusty Google reader. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the number of posts that come through during the day. Luckily, I can star them and come back to them... anyway, the point is - I follow a few blogs where the writer is a full-time blogger. She makes money by blogging. And has many, many followers (hundreds of thousands in some cases!). And it appears that these professional bloggers get some sweet perks out of the deal - free stuff, amazing products to give away... as long as she promotes it on said blog that has 10s of thousands if not 100s of thousands of readers/followers.

Doesn't all of that sound good? Not only the free stuff, but the popularity/fame that goes along with it. Seems to me that many of these writers end up with book deals at some point, too (not a given, I'm sure, but many of the most popular that I've followed).

So about once a year I explore the idea. Research how to get more traffic on my lil ol' space on the internet. I spend a couple of hours on it and then decide: its just not worth it (to me). So here are the reasons why I will never be a professional blogger (okay, right now anyway... maybe when all three girls are in school and I'm super bored I'll rethink this idea):

* as if you haven't noticed... blogging regularly comes in spurts for me. at some point it becomes a chore and when that happens, I check out entirely for a month or more at a time.

* I have a problem sticking with a specific theme or point of view. My thoughts are pretty random based on what I'm reading or doing at the time that I'm blogging. many of these blogs are centered around themes: photography, cooking, gift giving, baking, minimalism, crafting, etc. Can't seem to focus my energy or passion enough on one specific topic to make it a "theme" for my blog... which means there is no specified target audience.

* I like to read blogs in my reader... and then I don't leave comments (unless it is someone I personally know). leaving comments is one big way to build readership and eh, i'm too lazy to do it. besides, on the most popular blogs, there are so many comments that i can't imagine the writer, let alone the readers wade through every single one of them to find a new blog... my guess is that readers click through and eventually follow blogs that are highlighted in a post - not through comments.

* along with being lazy about leaving comments, i'm also very lazy about hyper-linking anything. in my intro paragraph to this post I could have - and should have - linked several blogs up there for my (few) readers to find. yeah, i just don't feel like it most of the time - writing takes up enough time, finding all of the links and them placing them just right in the text takes up too much of my time for me to care.

* researching ideas sounds like a whole lot of no fun to me.

* i'm not uber confident in my opinion about many things. actually, i'm fine with my opinion on things, but i don't like to create conflict with other people regarding my opinion. in general, my opinion about ANYTHING is this: I have enough responsibility in making decisions for myself and my family... I certainly don't want the responsibility of making your decisions or decisions for the rest of the world. I have thoughts on public/private schools, daycare/SAHM, liberal/conservative, CRC/non-denominational and any other topic out there... however, they're just my thoughts and i have no desire to try to argue someone into thinking the same way as I do - conversely, i have even less desire to prompt someone to try to argue me into thinking the same way as him/her. I like to discuss and toss about ideas - i don't like "my way is the only way and you are wrong if you don't agree". I don't like it that people in my life gasp when they find out that I'm moderately liberal (which assumes then, that I'm also moderately conservative), or that my family goes to church on Saturday night instead of Sunday morning or any number of decisions that our family has made. Suffice it to say - if you know me well enough, you can assume that my/our decisions are well thought out and carefully made and you need not worry about my salvation simply because we choose to go to church on Saturday.

Wow - did I really go there? Totally not intending to, oops!

* along with being lazy about leaving comments and hyper-linking, I'm also lazy about including photos. ugh... the tutorials that people do and post are awesome. I love the cooking tutorials on some of these blogs, but the thought of doing them myself? makes me want to cut my hand off with a butter knife. and posting them... the time it takes to upload them and put them in the proper order - no thanks, i'll iron instead.

So I guess I'll never have more than a few readers and I'm okay with that. Since this is my space to "get it out of my head" i'm content with not writing to the masses.

how about you? any thoughts of going pro? if not, why not?

Hide and Seek

2010-05-18T13:01:00.002-05:00

"I hide because I don't want to be exposed in my fallenness, my darkness. I hide because I'm afraid if the truth about me is known, I will never be loved. I hide from other people. I hide from God. I hide from truth - in a sense, I hide even from myself." John Ortberg, Love Beyond Reason

I used to be a hider. Not one of those people who hid behind a fake facade. I have to say - I've never been able to be fake or been able to pretend to be someone that I'm not. But I've hidden behind extreme lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

I still hide behind those barriers sometimes. I still retreat to the quiet, seemingly bitchy place when I'm uncomfortable or feel threatened in any way. I'm beginning to recognize it and I'm beginning to understand that being an introvert does not = being shy, quiet, withdrawn, judgemental, uncomfortable. That is my Imposter. My self-conscious, low self-esteem Imposter. My barrier. My wall of defense.

It was an incredible epiphany for me to realize that.

What do I hide from? Why do I hide?

A few years ago we read a book in our small group called Waking The Dead by John Eldridge. He observed that each and every person in this world is wounded. We all have wounds. Its time for us to recognize our wounds, deal with them and move on. We need the Ultimate Healer to help us deal with them. First, we have to recognize them, acknowledge them and desire to move on.

While I was reading this I thought I was pretty well put together. I mean I have my issues and my weirdities;) like everyone else. But I don't have deep issues that I won't recognize. I haven't had anything major happen in my life that has been a huge negative influencing factor in who I've become. I've got it goin' on.

Wait. Huh. I'm a jerk. Really, seriously... do I honestly believe that I am the ONLY person in this world without wounds?

Got me thinking. Reaching back. Trying to see past myself to find out what my wounds are.

Its pretty obvious after I thought about it long enough. Go back to my grade school diary and its all there - maybe not spelled out exactly, but its there if you read between the lines.

And its still here. And its what I hide from: my feeling that I've never been chosen. At least never been chosen first, or before someone else, or in place of someone else. Maybe I've been settled upon as a last resort... if so and so can't play, or if so and so can't go with me then I'll ask Jana.

Is it truth? Probably not - there really is no way for me to know. But it is part of MY truth. Not the not being chosen thing, but the FEELING like I've never been chosen. To be honest, Cornbread didn't CHOOSE me - we just started hanging out and it eventually turned into more than that. He didn't pursue me or even woo me. We clicked and it was.

And thats what I'm hiding from in uncomfortable situations. The feeling like the people in the situation will not choose me. They won't choose to talk to me. They won't choose to sit by me. They won't choose to be partners with me. They won't choose me. So I hide behind being quiet and unapproachable. When in reality I am a pretty friendly, interested and outgoing person. Yet I hide.

I've been in the process of shutting down my Imposter. It takes work. And it takes thought. Recognition. Intentionality. I have to remember who my Imposter is and that the Imposter is not truth. The remembering is the hardest part - because the Imposter is a natural, habitual response cultivated and perfected over 34 years.

When my brain and soul feel as disordered as they have for the last few weeks, I have a hard time remembering this and I retreat behind my wall of defense. Not intentionally, but naturally. The Imposter needs to put away.

2010-05-17T09:43:00.002-05:00

My lovely friend, Skooks, prodded me about this little blog. I know I've been absent and mainly its because I've got nothing to say right now. Life, for me, is kind of in a spin cycle and its driving me mad. Not the kind of spin cycle that most people have - a totally crazy, driving all over creation, bringing kids from here to there kind of cycle... my spin cycles are along the lines of not having a complete thought, not reading, not feeling like I have accomplished anything for days and days and days, reacting to life instead of living it. I hate these periods and yet it seems like I go through them more frequently than I would like.

So.

I'm kind of grumpy this morning.

Let me back up a little bit... Cornbread and I trained for a half marathon this year. We started in January and the culmination was the race in Indy last weekend. It was incredible. I loved the training and I did so much better in the race than I could have ever allowed myself to imagine (for a detailed post about the race or posts regarding the training, see my bfl blog). BUT the downside to the training is that I could eat anything and everything I wanted to. This is good mostly, but for me the lack of discipline in my diet creates havoc in my soul. Although I may sound like a control freak, I'm not - I don't feel compelled to control anything, I just like discipline, order and routine - my life feels better that way. And when I'm lacking, I feel disordered.

So anyway, the race was last weekend. And because there was no distinct training plan after that I had little to no motivation to workout last week. I ran a little bit - 5 on Monday, 5 on Wednesday and 3.5 on Thursday - but motivation was nil. And any discipline I may have had with my diet before then (which was little) went straight out the window. SO last night I created a workout plan for the weeks between now and the start of the training for the next race (September 25). I geared myself up to get up early to workout this morning and then...

I woke up at 2:30am. WIDE AWAKE. Like there is no chance on earth that I would be falling asleep any time soon. At 3:15 I began to count. By 4:00 I had gotten to 700 and was very upset. I was supposed to get up at 4:45 to go to the gym... that was making me extra happy. I finally went downstairs and read a few pages in my book and fell asleep until 6:45.

And now I'm grumpy. Today was the day to start being disciplined again. And then I have sleep troubles. And I usually solve my sleeping issues by working out. And I started babysitting again so I can't go to the gym in the afternoon while the girls are at school. So now I have to figure something else out. Its fine. It is what it is. But I'm grumpy.

Thats just the specifics about today. In general, I'm a bit grumpy about my reactionary life. I really like my job and it has been a great blessing to us - financially - but it is difficult in the respect that my mornings are segmented into short segments and its hard to get anything accomplished in those small segments. I can't run errands in those short (20 minute) segments either, so I have to do it in the afternoon... Its hard to explain, but suffice it to say that I'm struggling with some disorder in the home and in my brain. And I hate.that.

So perhaps if I begin blogging again, I can prod myself to more discipline and order in general.

Let the blogging (re)begin.

Thursday and Friday

2010-04-01T14:18:00.001-05:00

Thursday morning we got up bright and early to make sure we got out to the slopes by 9:00 - we wanted to get in as much skiing as we could before we had to leave. We were skiing with Mark again in the morning and wanted to take him over to Middle Rib and Outlaw since he wasn't able to get over there while skiing with his family.

We talked up the two runs and of COURSE they were icy and horrible:) They were pretty well shaded and because the previous afternoon had been sunny and had slushed up the runs pretty well, we were skiing on pretty hard runs. Middle Rib was nearly terrifying that morning. So we did one or two runs and went over to Morningside to ski through the trees again. And more runs that were not quite as fun as the previous time... We had a good time there with Mark, but decided to move on to Storm Peak and try out some of the runs that we couldn't see to ski on earlier.

Because we had spent a good share of the morning over on the far side of the mountain, the sun had time to soften up the snow on Storm Peak (which is not shaded). Buddy's Run and Storm Peak run were awesome and we flew through them and had a ball. We did a few runs on that section of the mountain and then went to grab a snack and head over to meet Jane and the boys.

When we found them, their 8 year old would have nothing to do with skiing like he had learned in lessons. There was much frustration amongst all members of the family and finally Jane told us to go on ahead with their 10 year old and she would ski with the youngest. So we took Gibson to some blue runs and helped him get comfortable turning outside of a snowplow. Cornbread and I were definitely okay with taking the runs very slowly - we were pretty skiied out by that point and ready to call it a week (it was about 1:30). We had gotten so beat up the day before and were tired and sore and had talked about getting massages that afternoon... and although we really enjoyed playing follow the leader with Gibson, it also got kind of boring;) So we told them we were going to head in and try to get massages.

We were able to book a couples massage at a spa in town (which was much cheaper than the spa in the resort). We were together, but not really. I had an amazon woman who gave me an amazing massage. Up until that point I felt like I needed to bathe in icy hot... after the massage I felt so good. My legs were still slightly sore, but my neck and shoulders felt awesome - better than they had all week! It was definitely worth the money.

We had our final group dinner that evening - Farewell Steamboat. It was a buffet dinner in the resort. Before we went in to the room to grab our seats, the wholesaler and his family walked by us. We said hello and got another dirty look from his wife. At this point, I'm chalking it up to her being completely socially inept or perhaps just generally bitchy because we didn't say or do anything to cause the weird looks both evenings.

We sat down to eat with our friends and their kids. We were in the back of the room. While we were eating I looked over and saw the wholesaler's wife crossing the room with an open cake-sized box - like 12"x12" - and watched her go to the buffet table and fill her cake box with food to take back to her room. She walked the full box back through the middle of the room and then returned with a to-go container for soup. WHAT? I have never heard of anyone taking leftovers from a buffet! Let alone take leftovers in the middle of dinner while all of the diners were still present and possibly going to eat it. And she was not subtle about it. So that sealed my impression of her. Awesome.

We spent the rest of the evening hanging out in our room and packing. Not terribly exciting, but we were prepared to go home.

Friday morning we set the alarm and woke up early to go to breakfast. We had been told that a local restaurant - winona's - had wonderful breakfast so we wanted to try it out. We had a wonderful - and quick - breakfast and went back to the resort to do our last minute carry-on packing. Checked out and left for the airport.

It was snowing again and the streets were messy, but it sure made for beautiful scenery as we drove the 45 minutes to Hayden to return the car and get on the plane. I was pretty surprised that we didn't have any delays on the way home, given the weather as we left. We returned to beautiful sunny and warm Chicago. Bugly was in the house and the other two were next door. All greeted us with huge, lovely smiles... so wonderful to see our girls again!

port and home

Steamboat - Wednesday, March 24, 2010

2010-03-30T10:32:00.001-05:00

Wednesday morning we woke up to beautiful skies. It was not quite clear and sunny, but it wasn't snowing and it didn't look as if it would start to snow. We could see the clouds clearing in the distance and knew that this would be a great day of skiing because of the new snow from the day before.

We set the alarm so we could get an early start on the day, however, Cornbread woke up and promptly took a 45 minute nap while I was buying tickets;)

We had one more section of the mountain that we had not tried yet and this was the day. It was a bit intimidating on the map because it was almost entirely black diamond runs with only one or two blues mixed in. Once again, though, the runs were almost empty and we were out there on our own to take them as slow as we wanted and as many times as we wanted.

We did the same run a couple of times because it was so challenging and we were alone and having a good time. The previous day we did a lot of tree skiing, this day we did moguls and moguls and more moguls.

We started out with Middle Rib - a black run that was extremely steep and narrow. It was super fast and we had a great time with it.

(these are not my photos - I took them off of flikr)

This is a photo looking up at Middle Rib - it didn't look like this the day we did it - not so many branches in the middle of the run.

We veered off of Middle Rib onto Outlaw.

This is a picture from the top of Outlaw (again, not my photo). It is a good picture of the view... the run winds around to the left of the photo.

When we got to the top of outlaw, we had absolutely no idea what we were getting into:) As it turns out it was winding and twisting moguls on a very narrow run with a pretty severe drop-off on the right side. We had a great time with it, though. The fresh powder from the day before slowed us down enough that we could confidently work out way through the bumps. We were not good. We were not graceful. We fell a lot, but we had an awesome time on those two runs.

We also ventured into some ungroomed runs, which was not so much fun;) I think the only run that had been groomed the night before was Middle Rib... we tried them all, though. Skiing through heavy, deep, ungroomed powder is pretty difficult. I fell so much on this side of the mountain and got really banged up. We did one run, Fool's Gold, that was incredibly ridiculous. It was entirely moguls with trees on either side and they had 4 inches of fresh powder on them. We had no bailing options so we had to get through it. We both had several experiences of one ski getting stuck while the other kept going - causing a pretty harsh fall where my legs felt like they were getting ripped out of my torso;) I got pretty beat up on those runs. We clearly had no business being there, but no one was watching, no one was waiting for us, we charged forward and tried - without trying we would never get better.

After doing that side of the mountain for most of the morning, we made our way back to Storm Peak - the part we did in the snow the previous day. The runs there were much better on this day because we could actually see what we were doing! We enjoyed them for a while and then went back to the part of the mountain that we did on Sunday and Monday and did a few runs there. It was pretty amazing how slow and boring those runs felt now that we had done some pretty difficult stuff on the other side of the mountain for two days.

We opted to ski late into the day and grab lunch back at the condo instead of spending so much on the mountain. We made lunch in the condo and watched LOST from the night before (and it was GOOD - so many answers in one episode AND a theological conversation between Jacob and Richard Alpert...).

Wednesday night was the last night that we were responsible for paying for dinner so we decided to do some shopping in the little downtown area and go out for my birthday. We went to every tshirt shop on the street (and for some reason they all smelled like farts) and also picked up some gifts for Carol. It was nice to tool around and follow our noses through the shops and have no agenda at all.

We chose Giovanni's for dinner. I had scoured the menus of many of the restaurants while we were in the condo and finally settled on this little Italian place that didn't serve mainly pasta, but mostly other dishes that looked delicious. I ordered the smoked duck risotto and it was incredible - mmmmm.

Our dinner was interesting. The product partner was hosting another dinner at the table next to us. We walked past the table when we were seated and said hello and joked about how we were following them. I had my back to the table and could overhear much of the conversation. Apparently, he was hosting an FA/spouse and the FA's daughter who is married to another FA. The Father (following this?) is exceptionally successful and makes gobs of money. The daughter, having grown up with all of this money and all of these trips, was quite the spoiled brat. At one point I heard her say, "I wasn't going to marry anyone who wasn't already an FA or was going to become an FA." Yeah, impressive. It is a thought-provoking comment from our perspective... however, it was amazingly spoiled coming out of her mouth.

As we left the dinner, we stopped to say goodbye and told the product partner that we were happy that his son was feeling better and that his whole family was able to be at dinner (at our dinner with him the night before his wife was back at the condo with his sick son). His wife, then, turned and gave us the dirtiest look I have ever seen. Cornbread saw it, too, so it wasn't just my imagination. We still have no idea what that was about... but this particular person gets more impressive through the end of the week - stay tuned for that;) We walked away kind of stunned - not sure what that was about, but whatever...

Went back to the room and called Mark and Jane to challenge them to a game of Euchre. Spent the rest of the night playing cards and chatting, preparing for our last day of skiing.

Steamboat - Tuesday, March 23, 2010

2010-03-29T16:00:00.001-05:00

Tuesday morning we woke up to snow. Snow is much more appreciated on a ski vacation than at home. It was pretty and exciting. We went out that morning dressed for colder skiing and got out around 10:30. Mark was skiing with his family that day so Cornbread and I were by ourselves. We went to the back side of the mountain - Morningside Peak.

We got to the top of the lift and looked down one of the only runs off of that peak - Huevos. It was a black diamond mogul run with pines near the bottom on either side of it. We weren't super confident, but we decided to try it. We both fell many, many times:)

When we finally got to the end of the moguls we veared off into the trees on the left side of the run. There were trails through the trees and the snow was was soft. We took turns leading through the trees - a very basic game of follow the leader. Cornbread, though, decided not to follow me straight into one of the pine trees that I got a little intimate with;)

I wasn't necessarily hugging the tree, but I was caught up in the branches and my skis were crossed. The snow was deep and my right ski was covered, so every time I tried to free myself the other end of it would get caught under the snow. I finally popped my skis off and went to step out of the tree and immediately sank up to my knee in snow. I still had my left ski on and it was on top of the snow - I had enough leverage to get myself out of the snow, however, once I did so I took another step and immediately sank up to my HIP! I was laughing so hard. At this point my left ski was in the same position as before, but I had no leverage to get myself out so Cornbread had to help me out by pulling... after which he immediately fell over. I thought I was going to wet my pants - we were laughing so hard.

We skied that run several times because we were having so much fun - on the moguls and in the trees. That side of the mountain was pretty empty - we were basically the only ones back there, which made it even nicer.

When we decided to move on from Morningside Peak, we went over to Storm Peak. At this point the snow was coming down harder and the visibility was terrible. We were also so high up on the mountain that we were skiing through a cloud - making the visibility even worse. At this point I was wet and cold and the snow was stinging my face as we skied down the mountain, I couldn't see what I was skiing over - bumps, moguls, ice, etc - couldn't see it. I told Cornbread that I was skiing because I felt obligated to do so - not because I wanted to or was enjoying it. He agreed, so we made our way over to get some lunch and then made our way back to the resort.

We had been invited to have dinner with the product partner that was on the trip with us. We were looking forward to a nice dinner at L'Apogee. From what we could tell, it appeared to be an extremely high end restaurant - but in Steamboat, everything is still casual so we could wear jeans;) We were definitely looking forward to a really nice (free) meal!

We met our group at 6:30. There were 4 other EJ FA's and spouses/guests along with the product partner. The wholesaler's wife was back at the resort with their sick 2 year old son, so he was on his own. One of the other FA's (and his guest) were on our trip to Cabo in October 2008, so we chatted with them quite a bit. There was also a couple from Virginia, a couple from Sheboyagan, WI and another couple from the south - Mississippi perhaps? The wife of the Sheboyagan FA sat next to me and was drunk when she arrived. She is 35 (her husband is 56 and has been with the firm for 19 years) and was pretty much being an idiot because she was drunk. I don't normally do this, but I tried to avoid engaging her in conversation. It was pretty obnoxious, actually.

The dinner was lovely, though. Cornbread ordered a filet mignon that was $7/ounce - what? I had the sea bass, some escargot, some really nice merlot, and a wonderful creme brulee. The food was great. The dinner took FOREVER. Between every course the servers cleared the table, left the room and then came back with new utensils. I think we ended up being there for 3 hours, which was a little long and we got back to the room too late to do anything afterward so we went to bed, hoping for a better day of skiing in the morning.

Steamboat - Monday, March 22, 2010

2010-03-28T12:41:00.003-05:00

Monday morning began with meetings. Cornbread had to attend a meeting hosted by the wholesaler that was on the trip. I stayed in the room and bought some Lady Gaga tickets for work. I joined him at 10:00 for the combined FA and Spouses meeting, which lasted until about 11:30.

Cornbread, Mark and I got out to the mountain around 1:00 after having lunch in our rooms. Cornbread and I took a step outside of the resort and immediately turned around and went back in to remove some of our under layers - it was beautiful out! The day was gorgeous. Warm and sunny, which made for some slushy snow.

The skiing was beautiful and we did the same part of the mountain as we had on Sunday, but finished up the runs that we had missed the day before. We also attempted some moguls and with the slower snow and lots of tries we were getting through them without crying.

With a half day of skiing we weren't quite as tired as the day before. We had been told that we should visit the hot springs while we were out there. The only hitch was that if we drove ourselves, we had to make sure it wasn't snowing at all as there is 2 miles of unpaved road right before the springs and if you get stuck there is a $500 fine. Otherwise, if we went with a tour group is was $30 more per person than if we drove by ourselves. We knew that snow was in the forecast for Tuesday, so we decided to try the hot springs that night. We showered up and went on our way.

The drive was beautiful and the springs were gorgeous.

There were two moose eating off of the trees about 100 yards up the mountain. We watched them for a while and then decided they were pretty boring. Cornbread asked me if he should throw some snowballs at them... not such a good idea in my opinion:)

There are 3 hot pools and one pool that mixes with the mountain stream that is cold. Some little girls (probably 10 years old) were being dared by their father to swim in the cold pool. They did. Cornbread, of course, had to try it, too. He said he could barely breathe because it was so cold. I opted not to go in!

We didn't stay at the springs for very long. It was beginning to snow and while it was absolutely beautiful, it wasn't worth $500 to get stuck on our way back. In addition, clothing is optional after dark - and there are no lights. I wanted to avoid whatever came along with that situation as much as possible:)

We grabbed some dinner at The Steamboat Smokehouse, which was fine. The food was alright and it was rather inexpensive. Out of all of our meals out there (with the exception of lunches on the mountain) it was probably our least favorite. The atmosphere was very casual - peanut shells on the floor, most locals were in cowboy hats, etc. It was here that I was convinced that we were vacationing in the land of

Spicoli's:)

While we were waiting to be seated, I watched the host do his job. I mentioned to Cornbread that one thing that I was beginning to understand about Steamboat is that all of the guys are cool. They dress cool, their hair is cool, they're good looking. This host was no exception to that. He had on the perfect pair of jeans, was built just right, had the perfectly fitting tshirt on, hair was cool and he kept putting his dish towel in the back pocket of his jeans - making him even cooler. He was probably 20ish. I was admiring him as he did his job. Then he brought us to our table. I sat down and asked him, "So, what do you like here?" And then he opened his mouth... and ruined everything;)

[insert Spicoli laugh here] "Uh, you like meat, right?" [another Spicoli laugh here].

That was enough... Cornbread and I then decided that the guys in Steamboat are cool as long as they don't open their mouths;) We heard the Spicoli laugh everywhere all week and wondered: Do people turn out that way from smoking weed OR are people who are like that naturally drawn to smoking weed? What comes first - the chicken or the egg? I told the guys (who were cool) at the ski storage place that they were a bunch of Spicoli's and they thought it was hysterical.

Seriously, dude - all about the Spicoli's.

Steamboat - Sunday March 21, 2010

2010-03-27T12:20:00.001-05:00

Lifts opened at 8:30. I was woken up by my lovely Cornbread at 5:30am. He was simply too excited to sleep that morning. We had 5 full days of skiing ahead of us and we were eager to get going - even if the lift operators weren't willing to open early for us;)

We got to the gondola around 9am after picking up our skis and getting ready. It was a beautiful day - totally clear, not too cold, but not too warm. Sunny, clear skies and a lot of ski runs to cover.

Our friends in the (EJ) region had booked the same week for this trip to Steamboat. The wife and children were in ski lessons all day for 3 days, so the husband skied with us everyday. It had been a while since any of us skied, so we took the first day to figure out how to do it again:)

As you look at the map,

we spent the day skiing on the entire right side of the map. We particularly enjoyed Tomahawk, Buckshot and Baby Powder. We glanced at some mogul runs and then went in the other direction - I've never been able to do moguls and I wasn't about to try to figure it out that day... Mark, however, is a seasoned skier and had no hesitation with the moguls.

We skied the entire day. I think we finally left the mountain some time after 3:00. We were sore and tired and ready to sit. We went down to the hot tub for a bit and then went out for dinner to Mahogany Ridge Brewery & Grill. We had invited our friends to join us, but they declined... and ended up showing up for their own dinner right as we were finishing ours. Mahogany Ridge is a normal brewery, but they had an interesting entree menu with 20 different kinds of dipping sauces to go with the entrees. Cornbread ordered the pork loin and I ordered the maple glazed chicken, which came with a port brew cream sauce which was amazing. We both agreed that this was the best restaurant meal we had had in a very long time.

We had full intentions of going back to the resort and play cards with Mark and Jane that evening, but as we were sitting at dinner, we both realized that it just wasn't going to happen - we were WAY too tired. So we grabbed a movie at the redbox and went back to the room. I believe I saw about 15 minutes of the movie before finally giving in (it wasn't hard to give in as the movie was terrible) and falling asleep. We cashed out for the night, ready for an great night of sleep... if this is how we'd feel for the entire trip, it was going to be a long week:)

Steamboat Springs, CO - Saturday March 20, 2010

2010-03-26T12:09:00.004-05:00

Last Saturday we finally left for our trip to Steamboat Springs, Colorado. We have been looking forward to this trip since Cornbread earned it last October... back then it seemed like it would never come around and then in the last month or so it just creeped up on us!

So we left for the airport on Saturday morning. Got on board the plane, everything was good. Until the pilot came on to report that we would be delayed due to a break in the main de-icer line. We sat on the plane for 2 hours and 15 minutes before finally leaving O'Hare.

We arrived at the Steamboat Grand Resort around 4:30pm MST. Grabbed our lift tickets, unpacked, went to the welcome dinner and then headed out to the local grocery store to stock up for the week. We were spoiled enough to be staying in a one bedroom condo with a full kitchen, so we grabbed food for breakfasts, lunches and snacks. As it turns out we grabbed WAY too much food:)

View from our room:

We were exhausted from not sleeping well on the couches the night before, going to bed late the previous night and getting up early to catch our flight. We didn't do anything for the rest of the evening... brought our groceries in, hung out for a bit and went to bed.

Traveling days are long and BORING!

A Quiet Man

2010-03-10T08:04:00.004-06:00

My grandpa died in early 1999. He was a very quiet man. In fact, I hardly knew him. Between very little effort on everyone's part to have a relationship with that set of grandparents and the fact that he didn't talk much it would have been difficult to ever get to know him.

My grandma did a lot of talking for him;) One of Cornbread's favorite (and only) memories of this grandpa was at a family dinner (which was a rare thing). Grandma and Grandpa were sitting at the head of the table, we were sitting at the other end. We hear: "Dad wants the ketchup." We still laugh about that - that grandma did his bidding. We're not certain that Grandpa really even wanted the ketchup!

When he died, we drove in for the wake and the funeral. Admittedly, it was not an extremely emotional event for me. I was more emotional seeing my dad's emotions - he's not a very emotional guy, my dad:) On the extremely rare ocassions that I've seen him cry it immediately causes tears for me.

I recall standing in front of the open casket in the narthex of the church the morning of the funeral. My dad walked up and I told him that he and grandpa had the same hands (they were hand twins... this hand is my hand. this hand is your hand. no wait thats my hand...) There was some sadness at that moment for my dad - I could feel it and see it. I asked him why Grandpa hardly ever spoke. He told me that Grandpa used to say, "If I don't talk, I know what I know and I know what everyone else knows."

Cornbread and I tucked that away and refer to it often. Cornbread often cites my grandpa - who he knew even less than I did - when he talks about how he relates to his clients, his prospects, his colleagues and his competition. In a world where everyone seems to want to hear their own voices, be in power, have their opinion counted it is unusual for someone to sit back and take it in and learn what everyone else knows. Not that either one of us are perfect at it, but we both work on it.

I wonder if my Grandpa drew that lesson from this verse in Proverbs...
Proverbs 10: 14 - The wise accumulate knowledge - a true treasure; know-it-alls talk too much - a sheer waste.

Honestly, I don't think about my grandpa very often. But I read this verse this week and immediately thought of him. I have a few memories of him and although I didn't know him well, the memories make me smile. I consider myself blessed to have been taught something so simple, yet so insightful by a man of very, very few words.

Something needs to change

2010-03-04T12:37:00.002-06:00

Discipline - dis·ci·pline
1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.
2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control

Disciplined. I have been described many times with this word. I know that in many areas of my life I am quite disciplined. On the pendulum of self-discipline I am well aware of the fact that I am on one extreme. My ways seem way far out of reach for many. And while I have friends that say they admire me for this, I'm also certain that none of them desire the extent that I go;)

Examples:
* I work out. Six days a week. And nothing keeps me from doing so. If I skip a workout I feel like I've let myself down - not because I think I'm going to gain weight or because I think I'm a bad person, but because I have expectations for myself and one of them is to workout - every.day. Non-negotiable.

* When I'm really trying to lose weight, I'm fastidious about the number of points I eat. I'm extreme in the amount of water I drink. I eat the exact same meals - except for dinner - every day. I don't deviate - unless I plan ahead.

Control issues? Perhaps. I don't find that I have a controlling personality, though, I'm just self-disciplined. Why do I find a distinction? Because I don't go out of my mind if I am not meeting those expectations. In addition, I have no desire to control the people around me - just myself:)

Anyway... I'm thinking about discipline right now because while I'm incredibly self-disciplined in some areas of my life - exercise, diet, laundry - I so severely lack discipline in other areas at times. Right now is one of those times.

Proverbs 8:33 - Mark a life of discipline and live wisely; don't squander your precious life.
Proverbs 10:4 - Sloth makes you poor; diligence brings wealth.

A couple of verses from my morning readings... really making me consider my daily routine right now. While I will not negotiate my workouts, I'm easily distracted into avoiding my daily home-work.

I don't like cleaning. I really don't. I don't intentionally avoid it, however, I am finding that my day is more often than not getting away from me and I look back and find I've accomplished not much of anything. I have not been truly productive in quite a while.

Computer. Puzzle. TV. Work. All have provided the appropriate distractions to keep me from making my house a home. My house is fine - it is usually picked up and okay, but I haven't CLEANED in a while. And my mother-in-law is coming in two weeks - uh oh:)

So these Bible verses have touched me in a spot that I've known for a while needs some work. I KNOW I've been undisciplined in my home-work. I know I have. I'm not in denial. But I haven't been doing anything to change it either.

Today I will spend a little time mapping out my day and finding a routine/schedule that I can manage. I will also check back into flylady and find out where they are in the whole taking-care-of-the-house routine.

I can feel in my soul that I've been unhappy with myself about this. It is time to start working.

My book list

2010-02-24T12:48:00.003-06:00

My friend, Missy, posted her book list this morning and wondered what others are reading and recommending. Thought I would whip up a post of my current reading list, my TO Read list and my Have read list. Beware, this may be LONG - I am a lover of books:)

Currently Reading:

Shantaram - by Gregory David Roberts - my current fiction book, given to me by a friend as a Christmas gift. The story is intriguing as it seems to mirror the author's real life. It is a very thick book and I'm only 4 or 5 chapters into it. The chapters are long, which hinders my reading - I usually only read this at night before I turn out the lights and since I'm training for a race I can hardly get through a page or two before rolling over. I like the book so far and I like the characters. I'm eager to get further into this book.

Love Beyond Reason - by John Ortberg - my current non-fiction book. I'm not far into this one either. I only read a section at a time and am only able to do so a couple of days a week. I WISH my children would sleep a little later in the morning! One thought that I took from this book today: part of loving God is attending to him (which begs the question - what does "attend to" mean?) Also, loving others means paying attention to them and being sincerely interested in them. Thinking about this, mulling it over, trying to figure out how to turn my thoughts/feelings into words and blog about it to perchance work through this a bit. Maybe tomorrow.

Recently Have Read:

Three Cups of Tea - by Gregory Mortenson - given to me by the same friend who gave me Shantaram. Took me a while to really get into this book, but probably a little less than halfway through it I WANTED to read it. Gave me a lot of insight into the middle eastern/arabic culture and the war that we are in in that area of the world. Definitely a thought-provoking book and well worth reading. At one point I thought that if I were in college and had no relationship responsibilities I would drop everything and find Gregory Mortenson and demand that he allow me to work with him. At some point action becomes important rather than considering possible action. He has a passion. He prioritized everything around that passion. He had tunnel vision. He changed (and continues to change) many, many lives. I want passion like that for something.

Abba's Child - by Brennan Manning - oh man did this book take my breath away. The chapter on the Imposter is worth the price of the book in itself. This book spoke loudly to a silent but restless portion of my soul and helped me realize that introverted, extroverted, shy, whatever - those things don't define me. I am beloved. My Imposter is the uncomfortable, somewhat bitchy looking, self-conscious outward facade that shines through in public when I don't know anyone. THAT is not who I am, but the Imposter who covers me and tries to define me. Wow, I can't even put it into good words. This is a must read for me probably every year or so. What an incredibly important book.

God is Closer Than You Think - by John Ortberg - This book gave me a definition of the Contemplative spiritual pathway that I felt like put ME into words. It also provided the idea of: How do we bring Up There down here? Those 4 words come back to me over and over and over. The idea is simple enough for me to reflect on it and remember it often and to ask it over and over and over. How do I bring Up There down here - for my girls? for my husband? for the people I see in the grocery store? for my friends? my family? for the people I pass in life? for my neighbors? Add this to the idea from his book that I listed above that: the main place you do the work of God is as you go along... seeing what Jesus would see and responding as he would - geez John Ortberg, you rock my world (quite literally).

Velvet Elvis - by Rob Bell - Rob Bell makes me wonder. A lot. He has a way of writing that compels me to read more and to think about what I've read. Do I agree or disagree with that statement/paragraph/idea/concept/chapter? I love his writing. I enjoy his books and thinking. He makes me wonder.

To Read:

A New Kind of Christian - by Brian McLaren - apparently Brian McLaren is a pretty heavy hitter in the emergent church movement. I don't really even know what the emergent chruch movement is or what it is about, what I do know is that in my research of a different book written by a Hope College professor there was much criticism of Brian McLaren. If nothing else, this will be a thought provoking book as well.

For Parents Only - by Shaunti Feldhahn - I've read For Women's Eyes Only and enjoyed it. It was a quick read and was insightful about the thoughts and feelings of men - from a purely objective data collection point of view. I'm eager to receive this book and find out if it applies to a parent of young children.

I Was Just Wondering - by Philip Yancey
Disappointment With God - by Philip Yancey
Above All - by Brennan Manning

Going to Reread soon:
Becoming God's True Woman - by Nancy Leigh DeMoss - this is a book worth blogging about. Definitely one where I need to wade through some of it and take what I can from it as I don't agree with the perspective of some of the writers. However, there is a lot of good things in this book and I credit the book with revolutionizing my thinking and understanding of some of the topics covered in the book. Helped me come to a few important decisions in my life and helped me understand my purpose as a wife and a mother a little better. I hope to reread it soon and get some thoughts on here.

What are YOU reading?

With the exception of the two books that I received as gifts, I got all of the books listed via a website called www.paperbackswap.com. I've also gotten many more than I listed here. If you have books that you'd like to get rid of and would like to add to your personal library or begin a personal library I would HIGHLY suggest checking this website out. I got every one of these books for the mere cost of media mail shipping and have been able to rid my home of books that were never going to be read or reread and were taking up space. I'm a HUGE fan of paperbackswap.com! If you'd like to join, let me know - I'd be happy to send you an invite (I think I MIGHT get a credit toward a book if you join via my referral, but I'm not sure).

2010-02-16T09:49:00.003-06:00

Last week Ms. Peek accused me of only ever telling her to do her homework. She's in second grade - there isn't much homework to be done. However, she has a math assignment everyday and piano to practice. She gets off the bus at 3:45, which doesn't end up being a whole lot of time when you have to fit a snack, dinner & sometimes a bath in there by 7:30pm. So yes, I am always telling her to do her homework after school.

This gem of an accusation really kind of irritated me. I don't like to be accused of anything for one thing. But she had just spent almost 3 hours playing next door because I wasn't home when she got off of the bus and my neighbor was kind enough to have Ms. Peek & Skipper over until Cornbread or I got home.

BUT.

The comment set us both up for a much needed reminder. A reminder that we both needed.

A few months ago, a good friend of mine told me that her job as a mom is to equip her children to be good, well-functioning grown ups. Huh. I had never thought of it that way, but you can believe that I grabbed onto that and ran with it:) But I forget sometimes.

So after the homework conversation, I went to her room to have my own conversation with her. I reminded her - and myself - that my job is to equip her to become a good, well-functioning grown up. My job is to help her get to the point where she can function on her own.

My job is NOT to make her life easy and comfortable.

While I enjoy peace and I enjoy making my children happy, it is counterproductive for all parties involved if I make their lives easy.

To be clear, it is also NOT my job to make their lives miserable. I will make their lives as easy and comfortable as possible in the interest of having a happy, peaceful home. However, that is secondary. My primary responsibility to them is to help them become more and more responsible for their lives. And that doesn't mean solving all of their problems for them. It means allowing them to have problems and helping them solve them... and little by little allowing them to solve more problems on their own. Deal with the consequences of their bahavior. Take responsibility for their actions and for their lives.

Sometimes I forget that parenting is work. I forget that I need to be intentional about my parenting. Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of making our house a home and having a happy and peaceful family existence that I forget that it is secondary to what my main parenting job is.

My girls will learn their math, reading, geography, writing, social studies, etc. in school. I have confidence that our school system has hired capable and wonderful teachers and my girls will learn the necessary school stuff at school. I am not responsible for teaching them those things.

I am responsible for teaching them how to navigate through life. What it means to love Jesus and to walk with him. I am responsible for showing them how to treat others. For teaching them compromise, yet assertiveness. I am responsible for affirming them and helping them learn who they are as young ladies and to be comfortable and happy with who they are. I am responsible for allowing them to be kids, for giving them time to play and create and imagine. I am responsible for teaching them how to make healthy choices in many areas of their lives. I am responsible for teaching them respect, manners, compassion, empathy and self-control.

There are many more things I'm responsible for teaching them - the previous list is not an exhaustive one. Many of these things I am still working on myself. Many of these things are daily battles for me. I believe that children learn through example - which doesn't excuse me from directly teaching them, however, it does compell me to work on being the kind of person I want them to be.

As with everything in my life - its all about balance. And I get out of balance a lot.

Valentine's treats

2010-02-14T19:26:00.005-06:00

I am so not into Valentine's Day. Never have been. But when I read this post and this post I got inspired.

I love to bake and make little treats like this, but I hate having them around the house. I have such a hard time resisting them:) So I LOVE to make treats for other people.

I sat next to a CPA at one of Cornbread's business dinners a few weeks ago and he told me he has two little kids. He and I enjoyed a nice conversation and I immediately thought of his kids when I decided to make these goodies (honestly though, I'm also not above trying to bribe people into giving my husband some business;)

I also love to put together treats like this that are super low cost, but super high impact. They are time consuming, but I enjoyed making them and putting the packages together (and sampling some). It gives Cornbread an opportunity to visit some accountants that he hopes to receive referrals from - I think they will have a good amount of impact.

These are rice crispie treats dipped in melted chocolate/peanut butter chips. I melted red and pink candy discs for the drizzle and sprinkled with glimmery red, white & silver sprinkles.

I made rice crispie treats like normal and cut them out with heart shaped cookie cutters. I also packed the rice crispie treats in there pretty hard in order to keep that sucker stick in - my treats turned out a little goo-ier than I like, which was creating a loose treat and not supporting the sucker stick. These are individual treats for the accountants (the suckers are for their children). These are scotcharoos. I.LOVE.SCOTCHAROOS. Holy cow are they good:)
With the scotcharoos I spooned some of the base layer into the cookie cutter (rather than cut them out of a block like the rice crispie treats). When it came to the chocolate layer, I tried frosting them with the melted chocolate/butterscotch like I would with cupcakes, but it didn't look good. I ended up dipping them, which worked well and gives them a hand-dipped look that I like. These are pre-icing, but post sprinkles.

I bought some great cardboard window boxes from the craft store and packaged them for the entire accounting office to enjoy.

And made a smaller package for Cornbread's assistant to enjoy:) My sweet bouquet.

2010-02-13T10:22:00.002-06:00

I am continually amazed at how much a lack of alone time affects me. I shouldn't be amazed. I shouldn't be surprised - I've been learning this about myself for the last several years. But it has hit me like a brick wall in the last 24 hours. When I don't have time to myself and my life becomes hurried, distracted and busy my mental state suffers. I am no longer peaceful, I turn into the irritable, scolding mom that I don't like being. I also turn into a negative, ungrateful human being.

Ugh. I don't like this about me. I wish I could go, go, go and keep going and still be fine. Clearly, I cannot.

This week was busier than normal. Not super busy. Really, compared to most of the world's busy, mine was pretty tame and relaxed. So I don't want to complain about being busy. I actually don't mind being busy. I just need some down time and alone time to refresh myself and this week I didn't get it for 3 days straight and not looking good for another 3 days. And lets add that to the natural stir-craziness that the January - March stretch brings. Its a cocktail for a not so good situation in my world:)

So today my mission is to find some positive energy and right this wrong ship. Perhaps after my swollen-from-crying eyes release their puffiness, I'll be able to see a little more clearly. There is hope:)

Needs

2010-02-09T08:46:00.008-06:00

I'm reading in Matthew for my New Testement reading. Jesus' sermon on the mount to be exact. And let me say that reading it in The Message makes such a difference to me. I feel like I'm reading the Bible for the first time.

Anyway...

Matthew 7: 7 - "Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in."

This verse stood out to me for a myriad of reasons:

* Don't bargain with God -
I've heard of people bargaining with God. "If you do this, then I'll do that" kind of thing. I've never understood it. Perhaps because I didn't grow up doing it and didn't really hear about people praying that way until I was older. So obviously, I read this verse and puffed my chest right away with pride because I've never done that.

And then I immediately confessed:) What a schmuck I am. Ugh - I can be such a jerk sometimes.

* Be direct -
I've learned this lesson over the last several years. Although I forget it quite often. The first time I learned it was in a sermon over 10 years ago. We were visiting Cornbread's church out here (we lived in GR at this time) and his pastor talked about direct prayers. He mentioned the flowery rhetoric that seems to flow when people are praying in public. That really spoke to us as the church that we attended in GR seemed to fall under that category (the pastor didn't pray that way, but the congregational prayer was led by laypeople). So the idea really stuck in my head - I'm better at retaining things when it hits me from multiple angles:)

I've also been trying to pray this way for the last couple of years based on the verse where Jesus tells us to Ask. Seek. Knock. Perhaps you don't have it because you haven't asked for it.

This verse in Matthew was another good reminder for me the other day. Although I have made a concerted effort to be direct in my prayers, I find that I veer off after a while... not with flowery rhetoric, but with cat-and-mouse stuff. Dancing around what I'm really asking for because I'm not quite sure its okay to ask for what I'm asking for. So reading this verse reminded me again - ASK. Be direct.

I think about my kids and the round-about ways that they ask for things sometimes. I'm usually standing at the counter, impatiently waiting for them to get to the point. Just ASK. What do you want? I also have been drilling into them the idea that if you state things into thin air, nothing happens. If you ask, you will get a response. Saying, "I'm thirsty" is really nice - and I have begun to respond with: "Thank you for letting me know." Saying, "May I have a drink of water, please?" elicits a completely different response from me.

I believe that God listens to our ~~statements~~ complaints as we state them into thin air. I also believe that He might just roll his eyes at times and impatiently wait for us to JUST ASK (Cornbread actually seemed to have this experience yesterday).

So be direct in your prayers. Check - thank you for the reminder.

* Ask for what you need -
Whoa. This is where my main lesson was in this verse. At first I read through the verse and thought, "That's right - I need to ask for what we want". Wait, wait, wait. Back the truck up for a second... Ask for what you need.

Hmmm. Okay, so I'll go back and figure out what I need and ask for that.

Food. Uh, nope, we have plenty.
Water. Yes - ours is ridiculously expensive, but we have fresh, clean water any time we want.
Shelter. I may not LOVE our house and I may think that it needs to be condemned, BUT we have shelter. And heat. And electricity.
Clothing. Probably too much. And lucky enough for me, I have warm clothes to wear when its cold and cooler clothes to wear when its warm. I also have lots and lots of clothes to choose from everyday. And they're clean. And not ripped or holey.
Health. Yes. We are all in very good health. Moreso than many families who have struggled with ongoing, passing-through-everyone illnesses. No disease. No terminal illnesses. No chronic problems. We run. We have legs that move well. We have hearts that beat consistently and lungs that welcome fresh air. My biggest health concern is acne and I'm learning to let it go.
Money. Yes, that's right - THIS is what we need. I've been praying for this for 5 years as we've dipped into our supplemental... oh. Huh. We have money - its just not the exact source that we desire. And there IS more left to tap into, even though it is much, much less than it used to be and getting to a scary-for-us low. As of today our bank accounts are not empty.

So, Hey - what do we need?

I posed this question to Cornbread after I told him about the verse and my thoughts. Well... it appears that for TODAY - wait, didn't I just read something about not getting worked up over what may or may not happen in the future? Yes, that's right - apparently I don't learn the wisdom that Jesus is trying to impart to me. Okay, so back to Today. TODAY. We won't run out of food, water, shelter, clothes and money TODAY. We won't. Not even tomorrow if I allow myself to think past today. Today we are okay.

What we need today is peace and reassurance. We need to feel that everything is going to be okay. That we're being taken care of. That we have been provided for - in the past and today and if we believe God's promises, we can believe he will provide for us in the future. But today we need Peace. Patience. Kindness. Gentleness. Self-control.

Beyond that, I think we're covered for today.

I've got a new look

2010-02-08T08:39:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking about this blog o' mine for a couple of weeks. Thinking about whether or not I wanted to continue with it. Not that I don't like it - I do - but wondering for myself if its worth continuing since I seem to be so sporadic with posting and I'm not entirely sure there is an audience to write to. Ultimately, audience or not, I want to continue - it is good for my soul (when I actually write;)

I began to think that perhaps I should be a little more, ahem, intentional about this here blog. While I started blogging to journal my children for family members who live far away (which is basically all of them) and share pictures and stories with those who cannot be around very often, it eventually turned into something different. I also found that those family members weren't paying any attention to it... so what was I doing?

I began to find it as an avenue to clear my head and get the thoughts out that were swirling around up there driving me batty. I'm a thinker. Actually, I've come to understand that I'm a contemplative person... which is an actual type of person. Apparently, contemplative people do a lot of, well, contemplating. And I do that. And if I don't get it out of my head, I feel like I'm going mad. This blog has been a way to relieve some of that for me.

But I wonder sometimes... is anyone reading it? Do I care? I'm extremely self-conscious about what I write... do the people who read it think I'm totally out there? Again, do I care?

I'm learning to not care about those answers. At some point, I need to be comfortable with myself and not worry about what other people think.

However, it IS easier to write to an audience. It just is. I have a blog that noone is invited to read. And it isn't the same. Not sure why. Somehow writing TO someone makes a difference. So I would like readers. And comments really 1) validate the fact that I'm not a loony and 2) let me know that there is an actual audience to write to. (So please comment freely.)

Last week I began to think about how I could increase traffic/number of readers. I think about this once a year. Ultimately I conclude that the only reason I want to increase readership is to validate my insecurities. So while I would love to write to a bigger audience, I am not willing to do the things that would increase the size of the audience. I'm all about being authentic and real in my life - and artificially increasing readership - just so I can validate my insecurities - would be inconsistent with who I try to be.

BUT could I make this place better? Yes.

I have tinkered around with the layout and template over the last couple of years. I find something here or there that I'm okay with, but it never seems consistent with what the blog is about. I have decided to become a tad bit more intentional about this blog and wanted the look to match. I spent a good deal of time yesterday morning finding a new look. And I like it. I think it works with who I'm trying to be.

I came across the Socrates quote in my reading a couple of weeks ago and I love it. I think about it a lot. "An unaware life is not worth living." This speaks volumes to me... I work hard to live thoughtfully and intentionally rather than reactionary and thoughtlessly. To be consistent in who I am... I think Socrates summed it up very well for me and complements my blog's title very well.

I love the picture, too. I knew that if I tooled around on a million sites that offered free blog templates I would eventually find one that just fit. I didn't have anything in mind, I knew that I would know when I saw it - and I did. How often are we actually aware of the tiny bugs on the blades of grass that we're walking on. Yet they exist. They live. They're part of our world. We would know that if we took the time to be aware of our world.

The link bar at the top lists the areas of my life in which I strive to find balance. Its an ongoing journey and sometimes one of those areas is thriving and the rest are suffering. (The "physical" tab links to my workout blog - which I will begin to update again on a daily basis.)

Take a look around. Offer your thoughts. What is good? What needs work? What should be changed?

Thank you for reading and giving me an audience and a way to find peace:)

Today

2010-02-04T09:45:00.001-06:00

Matthew 6:34 - Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

I was thankful for this reminder yesterday! We've had a crazy 5 years, financially. Building a book of business has been a slow-going process for Dave and the added market crash right when we were starting to see the light - incomewise - made it crazier. We spent almost 5 whole years covering our household expenses with our retirement funds and the equity in our home. I'm grateful that they were there to begin with - I have an amazing story of God's provision in that regard - but it gets discouraging after a while.

Last September business got better. And better. To the point of 3 whole months of his once-a-month paycheck covering ALL of our expenses that month and having a tiny amount leftover. WHAT? That happened exactly twice in the previous 50 months. To have it happen 3 months in a row was a reprieve that was desperately needed.

But then I began to expect it. This is how life is going to be from now on, right? No more worries about covering expenses, now things need to increase to the point of having a little disposable cash so we can start living normally.

December 2010... Not so good. Not as bad as a majority of the preceding 5 years, but we had to dip into the IRAs again. Deflation. Defeat. It ISN'T going to be that way from now on... And if this continues what are we going to do? We've gone through all of our equity and don't have a whole lot left in the retirement account. Where are we going to come up with supplemental money after that is gone? We have nowhere to cut from our monthly budget - we have gone as bare bones as humanly possible. Fortunately we don't have credit card debt, but that is the direction we're headed, right? Because I knew it was too good to be true. We're going to keep heading in this plateau direction of taking even small amounts out of the IRAs until they're all gone, too. Maybe we should not be doing the whole Dave Ramsey debt snowball thing. Maybe we should consider ourselves fortunate that we've found ways to pay off two debts in the last two months (Christmas money & HSA money) and absorb those monthly payments into our budget rather than apply them to student loans. Many thoughts going around.

BUT.

... don't get worked up about what may or may NOT happen in the future. God will equip us to handle whatever happens when it happens.

And truthfully, he has. He hasn't let us down. He hasn't abandoned us. He hasn't stopped providing. TODAY we have enough and that's what matters. I need to stop getting worked up about June 2010 and start paying attention to where God is working TODAY, because we have enough today... why is June 2010 occupying my thoughts? I can't do anything about it right now. I can only do something today. And the more I think about tomorrow - or June 2010 - the less I'm paying attention to what God is doing around me now.

Psalm 119

2010-02-03T08:00:00.003-06:00

I've been reading my way through the Psalms in my old testament time. Since reading this book last summer, I've been able to read the psalms with a new perspective - as prayers. That perspective may have seemed obvious to many, many people, but it wasn't to me. I've always had a difficult time reading psalms... some of them have such a cadence in my head from memorizing them multiple times as a kid (Psalm 1, 8, 23) that I can't get past that sing-songy voice in my head while I read them; the fact that they are written to look like a poem also contributes to a sing-songy voice as I read them - I'm not so good with poetry, either; and the language just has never spoken to me.

Reading the Psalms out of the Message translation certainly has helped - along with my newfound psalms-are-actually-prayers perspective. I am grateful, because there is so much good stuff in there!

As a kid in christian school, it was well-known that Psalm 119 was the looooooongest psalm in the Bible. And reading it was rarely attempted, if ever. Perhaps if a sermon was particularly boring I may have cracked open Psalm 119 to pass the time while the preacher droned on. And I would do so only after I had counted ceiling tiles, watched the fan go around dozens of times, figured out how old I would be in the year 2000 (24!!!!) and any other kid in big church activity.

Wow - I have been missing out. I've been reading through Psalm 119 for probably 2 weeks and I can't get more than a few verses read at a time. There is so much to learn and meditate on in this psalm. It is quickly becoming my favorite. So I may do a few thoughts here about verses in Psalm 119 that I want to especially meditate on - I don't retain much unless I write about it:)

Psalm 119: 80 - Let me live whole and holy, soul and body, so I can always walk with my head held high.

So what? So what for me?
* it is important to be whole - soul and body. This means, for me, that it is vital for me to care for myself in all ways - physically through exercise and nutrition; mentally through reading, thinking, discussing, conversing; psychologically through down time, an unhurried life, and personal interests/projects. It is important for me to not lose my Jana-ness in the midst of life as a mom and wife - my identity does not fully exist in being Nora, Ryann and Georgia's mom or Dave's wife. It doesn't. I'm more than those things. I enjoy being mom and wife, but I'm also Jana. And I'm continually learning that taking care of me is as important as taking care of them.

* it is important to be holy. I feel comfortable with figuring out how to go about being whole, but being holy? How do I be holy? How do I become holy? I have few ideas here... I think that by reading and meditating on God's word I will get closer and closer, but I'm not sure I will ever fully achieve holiness - is it possible? Verse 9 says, How can a young person live a clean life? By carefully reading the map of your Word. So I am continually working on this.

* I can walk with my head held high. I'm learning this more and more, too. I'm reluctant to blog about my actual feelings sometimes because I'm not sure what others are going to think of me. I'm learning that I don't care. I am who I am (and I am not God) and I can hold my head up high. I've done a great amount of walking with my head lowered and its horrible. Some days - like yesterday when my face totally broke out for no apparent reason - it is hard to walk with my head held high, but I need to and I can.

Back to that verse from Matthew that I quoted last week - with less of me there is more of God. I can love more completely when I am whole - soul and body - because I'm not distracted with the things that are making me feel icky. I can love more completely when I am holy - verse 41: Let your love, God, shape my life - learning more about God brings me closer to him and his love. I can love more completely when I am walking with my head held high - because I'm not as self-absorbed with how uncomfortable I am or how I don't measure up... with less of me there is more of God.

Life: it is a-changing.

2010-02-01T09:25:00.005-06:00

For a while now, I've been contemplating life after three little girls are in school full time. I'm finally at a point where it is within grasp... just barely beyond the horizon. I can taste it sometimes:) I have a bit of freedom every afternoon and I love it. Thats not to say that there aren't days where I complain to myself that the freedom is not nearly long enough to accomplish all that I need to accomplish, but it is freedom nonetheless. And much cherished - I rarely let anyone in to my afternoons. Call me selfish, but its been 8 years since I've had regular periods of alonetime... even after Georgia started preschool last fall, many of my afternoons included my neighbor's son whom I babysat. Babysitting is over and now EVERY SINGLE day, I have 2 1/2 hours to myself. I do chores. I run errands. I eat lunch. I rarely answer the phone. I love it.

And my family benefits from all of this. I am a much calmer, peaceful, tolerant mother and wife. I have time to sit with my thoughts instead of having them swirl around up there driving me mad.

Two and a half years from now I will have every day - all day - to myself.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

For almost 8 years I have intended to enroll in nursing school the second my youngest darling daughter steps on that bus to all day first grade. I've had periods of yearning for that future career. Times when something inside of me stirs and becomes a bit restless because I know that I will be a good nurse. I know I will. And I can't wait to do it. Something in my soul longs for that.

However.

Over the last year and a half my position has changed. I've had time to think about things. I've watched my neighbor go through nursing school with little kids at home and witnessed the chaos that entails for the entire family (some people do well and thrive in chaos. Jana does not). I've taken some time to recall how life was when Dave and I were both working and had separate lives outside of our house... we had other responsibilities drawing our attention elsewhere and other people affecting our lives (and sometimes causing quite a bit of stress). I've had the opportunity to really witness and examine how my undivided, 100% attention and support of my family affects our homelife, Dave's career, our marriage, my relationship with my girls.

I've also learned to take pride in the stuff that I do around the house. To take joy in providing a home for our family rather than just picking up the house and seeing everything as a chore to cross off of my list. I have learned - sometimes begrudgingly - that not working outside of my home is a luxury and one that I am not resentful of, but rather have learned to be grateful for.

A journey.

I've been on one. It has been slow, sometimes infuriating. I've been impatient - at times wishing my children were all 5 years older because "life will be so much easier" then. I've craved moving on from all of this... becoming who I'm supposed to be - a really good nurse who takes care of people who need me. Hmm. Even writing that seems laughable right now - who could need me more than my husband and children and myself?

I am good at what I do, even though I never have to start an iv or give someone a catheter (I hope;) And being wholely and fully present in my life and being intentional about how I live creates a home for our family. Like it or not, I am fully responsible for making our house a home. Dave contributes when he is able, but I'm in the drivers seat on this. Me. It is me. I affect our family life probably more than any other person in the house. It is my duty - my honor - then, to take care of myself and do what I can to create a peaceful, supportive environment for all who live here. I may never have a degree that calls me a nurse, but already I have achieved so much more in my life than I ever dreamed.

I am blessed.

2010-01-23T08:25:00.003-06:00

For several years now I have been struggling, internally, with how I feel I should live vs. how the world wants me to live. I whole-heartedly desire a slower, simpler life with less stuff, more experiences; less judgement, more authenticity; less busyness, more contemplation; less media driven opinions, more discussions with thoughtful people; less of self, more of others.

Those are my desires. However the world around me doesn't match those desires and it is a battle that I must be very intentional about. Some periods of time I am successful. Many I am not. I've found that the more tv I watch, the less successful I am. The more I read, the more successful I am. Coincidental?

I've been feeling a little disconnected from these desires lately. Not that I no longer desire them, but that I haven't been living a very intentional life. I've swung over to the reactionary side of the pendulum for the last little bit. I have several things to blame for this: watching more tv, busyness of the holidays, starting a new job in the mornings that disrupts my previously well-established routine, getting up every morning at 4:45 to workout.

I haven't really FELT like being intentional. I feel tired and often choose to passively spend my time watching some tv while doing a puzzle, rather than to pick up a book - even though I have a HUGE pile of books that I want to read. I have this over-riding thought in the back of my head that I know the book I'm reading is going to take mental energy and I don't want to do that at the moment... (not reading any engaging, entertaining fiction right now).

God has been working hard to hit me over the head recently and draw me back. And for that, I am thankful.

Matthew 5:3 - You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

verse 5 - You're blessed when you're content with just who you are - no more no less.

verse 8 - You're blessed when you get your inside world - your mind and heart - put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

verse 13 - Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness?

Psalm 119: 1,2 - You're blessed when you stay on course, walking steadily on the road revealed by God. You're blessed when you follow his directions, doing your best to find him.

And my prayer for this week has been Psalm 119:5 - Oh, that my steps might be steady, keeping to the course you set.

It's time for me to wake up.

Our healthiest winter season EVER

2010-01-13T10:10:00.005-06:00

Every year - EVERY year - Dave gets a cold right before Thanksgiving. Every year at least one of my girls has been sick around thanksgiving in addition to throughout the holiday/winter season. The year Georgia was born, all three girls had brochial/respitory illnesses throughout the winter and beginning of spring. I have fond or not so fond (how do you do that strikethrough thing?) of giving any one of them oral antibiotics as toddlers... crying, screaming, holding the nose so she would HAVE to open her mouth, wrestling to the floor, fine - we'll put it in your milk which of COURSE tasted different so she wouldn't drink it, wrestling to the floor (again), force the lips open, dropper in the side of the cheek, SUCCESS! And then she spits it all over the floor. Good. And this was the case for each one of them. Illness has always been a very pleasant experience here:)

Lets discuss the flu or whichever illness it is that induces 24 hours of vomitting... Only now do I have confidence that at least 2/3 of my girls can make it to the bathroom in time to throw up. I've done my share of washing sheets in the middle of the night, only to wash another load a few hours later. How about those days when Dave and I BOTH have the flu and we just pray that somehow the girls are safe on the main level of the house being completely unsupervised while we lay in bed miserable?

Or what about any random number of colds that pass quickly through the family? Runny noses, coughing, sneezing, etc. The most annoying part of the colds - in my opinion - is the continual decision process: Do I send her to school or keep her home? I certainly wouldn't want to be teacher who has a student walk in with snot running down her nose, however, she isn't bad enough to keep home. What to do? What to do?

We've had all of these. Sometimes I catch them, too, sometimes I don't. Generally, I have been the healthiest member of the family. Dave has not faired as well:) He catches them all. It usually starts with, "My throat hurts" and progresses into chest and head congestion. I've had my share, though: bronchitis, strep, colds. All of it = lovely.

Last year we attempted to bypass the illness season by increasing our vitamin intake. Dave was taking a ridiculous number of vitamins and supplements twice a day. He would set them out for me, too, but I never got around to taking any. No change. Our family didn't have any major respitory ailments, but we did have the flu and some random colds.

This year - as of today - will be considered our healthiest winter season ever. We have not been to the doctor since August. We bypassed the whole flu/swine flu scare with no symptoms. We (me and the girls, not Dave) have had one MINOR, short-lived cold that we brought home from Virginia at Thanksgiving. It was very mild and very short. Dave has had nothing so far. That, in and of itself, is somewhat miraculous:)

So what is different? Essential Oils. Seriously, this is the only thing I can identify as being different this season: we are religiously diffusing essential oils in our home. Dave is no longer taking all of those vitamins, but instead diffuses oils in his office twice a day. It is an all-natural way of boosting our immunity and so far I would say it has been working. I'm sure there are other factors that could be considered, however, this is really the one thing that we are doing differently this year AND we have not been sick with the exception of the one mild, short-lived cold that we recovered from more quickly than usual (and we brought it home from Virginia where we were NOT diffusing the oils for 5 days - coincidence?)

I don't think we have a magic answer and I'm not making money on this, but I want to share what I believe is our one difference-maker with anyone who is interested. I'm reading so many facebook statuses of people who have gone from one illness to the next. Its frustrating when your family is dealing with that. One kid recovers and BOOM the next is down with the same thing. It seems like it never ends. So if I can provide ONE idea for a family like this to try out - and provide personal testimony as to its (assumed) efficacy, it is this.

What we are doing and using:
A friend of mine extolled the vitues of essential oils for all manner of illnesses a few years ago. I tried to get into it, but found it was just too much work and expense to figure out which oils to have on hand, which ailments they would help and to remember it all on top of it. This year when the swine flu scare was making its rounds I got serious about it and asked her which essential oils would be essential to have in the home. She sent me a link to a blend of oils that boosts immunity: thieves mix. In addition, she told me that she had tinkered around a bit and had come up with a very similar smelling homemade mix that she was using in place of the actual blend - her recipe would be much cheaper and would last much longer. So I placed an order and got started and the healthy season began:)

Here is the list of oils that is needed to make your own blend of thieves:
eucalyptus 2oz (although you may consider buying an even larger bottle), rosemary .5oz, clove bud .5oz, cinnamon leaf .5oz, lemon .5oz, .5oz bottle (you may want more of these if you plan to diffuse in multiple locations). If you purchased all of these from auracacia.com it would total $43.55, which would be less than one trip to the pediatrician in our case. This supply list will make many bottles of your own blend. I would say that I've made at least 10-15 .5oz bottles before running out of the eucalyptus and I have much, much more left of the others. If you bought a premade blend of thieves it would cost around $42 for a .5oz bottle - and you would only get ONE .5oz bottle.

Once I made my own blend I started diffusing every night while we're sleeping. For the girls' rooms, I diffuse 5 drops (thats it - such a tiny amount) in a vaporizer/humidifier, which I would be running in their rooms during the winter regardless. In our room, Dave's office and in the rest of the house we use a vick's waterless vaportizer (if you decide to buy one of these, please don't spend $20 on it - I bought one at Target and one at Walmart for less than $15). We diffuse 3-5 drops on those little make up cotton pads that you can get at the pharmacy (100 for $1). So if you don't have any of these things, you're still spending less than $100.

Thats it - that is all I'm doing. It requires very little extra effort on my part - just whatever time it takes to make the blend once every couple of weeks and the time it takes to drop 5 measly drops into each vaporizer. And I've spent less than one doctor visit to do it.

Two things to note:
* if you decide to try this, email me separately for the recipe... not sure I should be posting April's recipe on the WWW.
* if you have a tax id number, you can sign up to be a whole saler of the oils through a different website and get them for even less. I happen to have a friend who is generous enough to extend this discount to me so I've paid even less than I listed here. Email me for more info on this one, too.

If you try this, let me know how it goes for you. April's family and my family have experienced great benefits from this and hope someone else can, too.

Another note: Peppermint oil has been a huge relief for many of Dave's frequent headaches in addition to some of my occasional headaches. Consider purchasing a bottle of that as well!

Ms. Peek

2010-01-06T08:42:00.006-06:00

Ms. Peek turns 8 today!

Last night as I was tucking her into bed she asked if I would tell her the story of the night she was born. I was hungry and tired and she was going to bed later than I wanted. I rolled my eyes and sat down to tell her the story. I wasn't really in the mood for sentimentality, but as I'm learning with my oldest, she IS sentimental and as I've always known she is pretty sensitive. I also suspected, though, that she was hoping I would cry like I did when I told Bugly the story of when she was sick. Twisted as it may sound, I think Ms. Peek wanted me to get that emotional about HER... sometimes its hard to be an older sister that isn't as snuggly and cute-because-she's-a-toddler.

I was in no mood, though, for tearful, weepy retelling of the days after she was born. Like I said, I was tired and hungry and just wanted to go downstairs. But I launched into the story. And because I didn't feel like welling up I included all of the dumb, non-emotional details... my water broke, it gushed, Daddy shoveled in his dinner while I was in the bathroom, it was snowing, the neighbors across the street agreed to care for the Woof, blah, blah, blah. As I continued I found I was enjoying remembering all of those details... moreso the ones after she was born - when they wheeled me into the NICU the next morning - the first time I saw her for more than 10 seconds - she was lying on her tummy with tubes and wires coming from all directios and was sucking her thumb. She was strong and healthy. We visited her as much as we could and fed her as many bottles as we could. I changed as many diapers as I could and told her many, many times that I was proud of her for being so strong.

I kind of got lost in it all and soon, yes, I was welling up. And then I was crying.

The moment I held her (that would be about 8 hours post delivery) I was consumed by a love that I never knew existed - how could I? I'd never been a parent before. I've never held MY child before. That moment, my tiny 4lb 14oz daughter taught me love and I have never been the same. My heart has been exploding ever since that moment in time.

randoms

2010-01-05T09:15:00.004-06:00

A few random stuff running through my head right now:

* reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning - actually just picked it up again after not being able to get to it all through December. In a word: Awesome. Today's little section talked about the inner child vs. the pharisee. Basically being in tune to the inner little child = fully trusting God. Well, who doesn't struggle with that? Because I do... somehow I have learned more and more of this last year, however, it still comes back to me and my control issues. Anyway, the part that struck me and that I'm thinking about this morning is that being in tune to the inner little child would = being open and free with your emotions and how you feel about other people. Gosh, really? So here's why I'm thinking about it... I feel so much love and affection and fondness and gratitude toward so many people in my life. I intuitively want to tell them, but defensively I won't do it because I think it freaks people out to get messages like that... I think I scared off many potential boy friends who could have eventually turned into boyfriends because I gave them some kind of note or card telling them about my affection and fondness... I didn't have feelings for these people, just genuinely loved them and was thankful for them as friends of mine. But alas, boys don't deal well with that kind of stuff, do they? Probably why Dave and I are together because he DOES do well with it.

* I was supposed to start a new job this morning, but there was no work to be done. So I'm bummed - I got a taste of it last night and it was fun. New job = buying tickets for a ticket broker and getting a share of the profits. There's more that goes into it, but thats the gist of it and last night I bought some SanDiego Chargers tickets and pretty much sucked at it, but there was an adrenaline rush like that which one would have when last minute bidding on an ebay auction.

* I gained 5 lbs since Halloween. Man, I suck:) Between candy, dinners with the in-laws, thanksgiving, BISCOTTI, and Christmas treats lavished upon us by Dave's clients I was screwed - I had no chance whatsoever. So I gave in and decided that if I was going to gain weight over the holidays then I was going to enjoy it. And I did. Very much. But now I'm hungry:(

* Dave and I are running a half marathon in Indy in May. Training started yesterday - I can run again! I mean I CAN run, but since I haven't run since September I suck. But I can run! So excited about that.

* Was thinking about going vegetarian, but ultimately decided that I'm just not sure I can completely give up chicken, fish and turkey. But I definitely can give up red meat. Really its more of an issue of needing to add more vegetables into my day. I can do good on fruit, I do pretty well with fiber, but I need more vegetables. And I don't eat much protein throughout the day, so I'm going to figure out how to cook lentils and beans and stuff. I really like that stuff anyway so it won't be hard to eat, just figuring out shopping and cooking them.

* Dave and I are going on a Jones trip to Steamboat Springs, CO in March. I'm giving up sugar at least until then. Need to lose at least these 5 lbs and hopefully more. 11 weeks until Steamboat! Oh my, I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

* Instead of doing the 80/10/10 thing, we decided to be super aggressive in paying off debt. We don't have a ton of it, fortunately, but we want to get rid of it all a la Dave Ramseyish style. We're incorporating his priciples, our life and the 80/10/10 idea to create our own plan. I made a poster. Because I'm a dork... but I love it:)

* Nora turns 8 tomorrow! She's awesome. Because of the above, I'm trying to keep her entire birthday at $100. I thought that would be pretty easy, but then children's place went and put jeans and stuff on sale. Jerks:) So now insteadof $100, I'm down to $50 for gifts (the clothes will be wrapped as a gift, but really who gets excited about that when you're 8?), school treats, and a Mcdonalds happy meal. I think I'll be okay - one advantage to having all grandparents out of state is that they send gifts to be opened on the birthday... so our birthday girls end up feeling like they're getting a lot and aren't being gipped by mom and dad:)

The End of Christmas Break

2010-01-01T12:51:00.003-06:00

I seem to learn a lot about myself at the end of Christmas Break. Last year, Dave requested that I go to counseling because I was barely functioning by the end of the 2 weeks. No matter how much I tried to explain to him that Christmas Break is horrible for me and I would be better within a day or two of getting the house back in order, he was certain that I needed more than that.

What I think we failed to realize is that basically this request was along the lines of asking a gay person to seek counseling with the intention that the counseling will turn him/her straight. Counseling is NOT going to turn me into an extrovert. Plain and simple: I am an introvert and THIS is really difficult by the end of two weeks.

THIS =
* noise
* chaos
* questions
* touching
* messes
* expectations
* interruptions
* no routine
* traveling
* absolutely no time to myself
* no place to escape any of this because it all follows me wherever I go

I don't think all of this would be much easier for an extrovert... however, knowing that I'm an introvert I'm learning more about myself today.

TODAY I am cringing at the mere sight or sound of my children. I hate that. But it is reality. I cannot find a place to get away from any of it. And when I thought I figured out a plan to get a few hours of break, I got a phone call indicating that I was expected to go somewhere NOW because thats what someone else wanted of me. So now what - do I miss seeing some friends? I know that I'm not going to be good company today - even if it is only until 3:00. But do I preserve myself? I feel like these are the choices that I'm constantly confronted with during Christmas Break.

Today I've learned that even when I enter Christmas Break with full intentions of just going with the flow and letting things happen for the two weeks - changing my expectations - I'm still internally distressed by something else. I've been good up until today. I've let the house and the laundry go. I've changed my expectations and had a good break. But what I've learned is that there is a direct correlation between how much disorder there is in my life and my ability to go-with-the-flow.

There is an extremely high level of disorder in my life today: Messes everywhere I turn. Bedrooms that need to be switched out. Toys that need to be sorted and given away. New Christmas gifts that need to find a home. Ripped and cut up paper EVERYWHERE. Snacks and treats galore. Arguing children. A few additional pounds on my body. Not enough water. Not many real meals. Much disorder. Because of all of that, I feel like I NEED my days to follow the plan that I set forth in my mind when I wake up. Sometimes my plan is to sit around all day and watch movies. Sometimes my plan involves an errand or a visit - at a specific time. What I'm learning today is that any deviation from that plan in my head causes a lot of internal stress for me. And this is not the case at the beginning of the break... just by the last couple of days.

So my note to myself is this: Next year I need to figure out how to get rid of my kids for a day or two at the end of the two weeks so I can reestablish some order in my life. I know I'm only two and a half days away from getting them back on their buses, but as of RIGHT NOW I'm not sure how I'm going to get through those two and a half days. My body feels tense. I'm crabby. I have a shorter fuse. I feel like the fight or flight response system is at high alert inside my body right now. I'm withdrawing more and more into myself.

I am not taking this time to complain about my kids. They aren't the problem. They're kids. They're doing what they're supposed to be doing. This is not a "When are my kids going back to school because I can't stand them?" post, but rather a "I need the routine of school back in my life" post: I need the same wake up time, bus time, lunch time, bus time, homework time, dinner time, bed time. The problem is the disorder and my inability to find peace in the midst of any of it. This problem exists for me at the end of every Christmas Break and toward the end of every summer.

I will be fine next week, its just getting there that is going to be the battle:)

Life Changers

2009-12-23T08:25:00.002-06:00

On our way to Virginia a few weeks ago, Dave and I had a good discussion about life changing events in our lives. Events and people, actually. It was fun and interesting to discuss how things and people have changed us and perhaps alterred the path we were heading down.

Although I don't think we discussed it, 4 years ago today we had one such situation. On December 23, 2005 our little 6 1/2 week old Georgia was very sick and admitted to the hospital. I wrote about it in her journal - here are 3 entries from that time:

December 18, 2005 - You are 5 1/2 weeks. For the last 3 nights you have slept from 8:30ish until 8am with a very brief feeding (15-20 minutes at most) at 11pm. Amazing! You have a cold right now and have breathing treatments with the nebulizer twice a day. You are on a good 4 hour schedule - 8, 12, 4, 8, 11 and you take three 2 1/2 hour naps each day. Your sisters love you and always want to see you, hug you and touch you. You have been a very good baby and are so sweet. You have crazy hair! Its dark and at least 2 inches long and stands up straight. Everyone comments on it when they see you. You may have been a surprise, but you were, by far, the best surprise ever. We love you so much, Bug!

December 24, 2005 - It is your first Christmas Eve and you are in the hospital. Your cold seemed to get better throughout the week, but you had a very persistent cough, especially throughout the night. For the last few nights you would cough for about 4 minutes every 2 hours. I was getting less sleep than when you first came home. You were kind of lethargic at the beginning of the week, but you got better everyday. On Thrusday you were much better - eating every 4 hours, alert and more active. Thursday night you coughed all night so I called Dr. C to find out if there was any medication I could give you since we were going away for the weekend. He told me to bring you in to see him. When he listened to you lungs he decided you needed to be in the hospital. By that time I was already worried - I woke you at 8am to eat, you were back down at 9:15, I tried to wake and feed you at noon, but you hardly woke up and hardly ate, you were awake for 10 minutes in the doctor's office, but you basically slept from 9:15am - 5:30pm. I also noticed that your ribs were sucking in with each breath and your color was not good. We took you to Christ Hospital in Oak Lawn. They gave you breathing treatments, suctioned you, gave you steroids and antibiotics. You slept most of the day and night. They did a chest x-ray to check for pneumonia and tested for RSV & parainfluenza. The RSV & para. tests came back negative. Dr. K visited this morning and thought you had pneumonia and ordered a consult by a pulmonologist. He came and listened to your lungs & looked at the chest x-ray and determined you have viral pneumonia & there really isn't any treatment for that. Soooo... you're currently getting a large dosage of antibiotics, they'll see how you react & then you can probably come home tonight - yea! We initially thought you'd be here for 3-5 days. You'll be home for Christmas! You scared us, Bug. You weren't doing well at all yesterday. It was hard for you to breathe & you were sleeping so much, but today you're doing so much better - 180 degrees. We are so thrilled to be bringing you home tonight & to have our bug back.

December 30, 2005 - You are a completely different baby. On Tuesday night you slept from 8:30 - 5:45, ate for 10 minutes & then back down until 8. When I woke you up at 8 you were totally different - you were cooing & you smiled for the first time. Your arms and legs were flying all over & you were so animated. These are all very normal baby things at 7 weeks, but hadn't seen you act like that in 2 weeks. It was then that I really knew that you had been sick for a while. That whole week I had just thought that you weren't quite "right" but I couldn't identify exactly why - but now I can. All day I would cry when I saw you being normal. I had been so nervous, scared & upset for 2 weeks & now you're just you again. We're so happy that you're home & feeling better.

This morning I was telling Georgia about that day. I started crying. It was very scary and upsetting and I remember how I felt while we were going through it. I probably haven't thought about it in a couple of years.

Obviously Georgia is a very healthy and precocious 4 year old. She is awesome - most of the time;) So no worries there. Because of that situation we didn't head off onto a path of health issues and related worries. That situation, though, was the catalyst to a significant change for our family and for me and Dave individually. It was an incredibly painful change that took years to heal. I hated most of it and hated how I felt about it, but 4 years later I am able to look back and give much thanks and praise for that change.

I think the change would have come regardless of Georgia's illness, however, this situation resulted in being a deal breaker. Had we not had this specific situation in our life, I think the pain would have been drawn out, the change would have been more wish-washy in nature and we would probably have more regrets.

So while the pain of this day 4 years ago is still fresh to me, I'm thankful for that pain. I'm thankful for the results of that rawness. I'm also thankful for the reminder of what was, what happened and what resulted. God is good.

Christmas Card 2009

2009-12-20T21:14:00.000-06:00

We did not do the typical christmas cards this year. We both had something a lot different on our hearts this year and decided to go in a different direction. We used the money that we normally spend on the cards and postage to purchase postage for 100 letters that we sent out to family and friends.

This letter is one of my three situations that I drop at God's feet every morning. I haven't told anyone other than Dave this, but I've been praying for 100% participation. I don't think we will get that - we've had several people tell us they won't be giving. However, I'm still praying for it because God can change some minds:) I also know that this could easily become a matter of self-fullfillment and pride for me and I lay that at His feet as well. The response to this letter is not an indicator of how well people like me or what they think about me, although I'm tempted to feel wounded by not receiving responses from some people. This letter is teaching me many things. And the response to this letter is completely out of my control. Completely. I did what I felt called to do - I wrote the letter and mailed it to people within my circle of influence. After that I can no longer do anything - only He can.

So I continue to pray that God will move people to give small amounts in the hopes that we will be able to help our little African girls. There have been days where I've been overwhelmed by the generosity of people and tears have been difficult to stop. And there have been days where I've been disappointed because there wasn't anything in our mail. Regardless, I know a couple of things: we have already received more in donations than we could have given on our own and God is working. I am excited to see the results in the next week.

In case you didn't receive an actual letter, I am posting it here... and perhaps you will be moved to help. If you have given already, THANK YOU! If you haven't and would consider a small donation, please email me at jddykstra@comcast.net and I'll give you my address as I don't want to post it publicly.

Dear Family and Friends,

A couple of years ago our family attended a weekend worship service at Parkview Christian Church and were presented with an opportunity to sponsor a child in Africa through Compassion International (CMF, International). That weekend people from Parkview sponsored almost 800 children - they had such an overwhelming response that they ran out of kids! We took a couple of steps in faith and chose two little girls who were close in age to Nora and Ryann. We have sponsored and prayed for our little girls, Brenda and Priscilla, since then. We have been blessed to have an opportunity to help these girls as well as teach Nora, Ryann and Georgia about other children who live a life that we cannot imagine.

Recently, we received information from CMF International listing 7 possible Christmas gifts that we could provide for Brenda and Priscilla. These gifts are:

* Christmas dinner food basket - $30 - Food "baskets" will be given as a gift to each family within a center. This gift includes: plastic basin with 2 packages of corn flour, 4 lbs. rice, 4 lbs. beans, 2lbs. sugar, 2 lbs. of cooking fat, 2-liter of Coke, tea, salt, and cinnamon.
* Dorms and Classroms - $50 toward building materials - There are current construction projects that will accommodate more children in their education and employ more staff.
* Backpack with school supplies - $20 - School supplies are not easily accessible in the Nairobi slums. The expense is great and hard for parents to provide. A backpack with the necessary supplies will help a student meet classroom goals.
* Sewing machine with business start-up kit - $130 - Women who learn to sew have a trade for employment or to begin their own home-based business. Along with the machine, a woman will receive business training and accountability.
* School shoes - $20 - Although children receive their uniforms for school through the child sponsorship program, they do not recieve shoes. Many families cannot afford this extra expense for their children. School shoes would be appreciated and a source of pride for each child.
* Sweater - $10 - Believe it or not, it gets chilly in Nairobi. A sweater will bring welcome warmth to a boy or girl, expecially on school days.
* Bed at Joska - $110 - The new upper primary boarding school, about 24 miles from the work in Nairobi's slums, has 559 children. Each child has a bed (within a trible bunk bed). A fully outfitted bed includes bed frame, mattress, blankets, and bed sheets.

While each individual option is not a lot of money, we feel conflicted in choosing WHICH gift(s) to provide because each one is needed and important - how do we choose which one is most important? We also realized that for ony $370 we could buy the entire list for one girl. Thats still not a ton of money, but how could we do for one without doing it for the other?

Taking inspiration from John Ortberg who writes that we should ask God, "Lord, how do we make Up There come Down Here?", President Obama who believed he could run a successful campaign with many small contributions, and God who says in Haggai 2 "I am living and breathing among you right now. Don't be timid. Don't hold back", we are asking you for help. Would you help us provide these gifts for Brenda and Priscilla by making a donation - no donation is too small - and by passing this letter on to one of your friends or family members?

Please make checks payable to CMF International (donations are tax deductable) and mail in the enclosed envelope or mail to our home at: David and Jana Dykstra
Re: CMF
email me at jddykstra@comcast.net for address

Thank you for taking the time to read this. You are a meaningful part of our lives and our family. We wish you a wonderful and joyful Christmas as we celebrate God's compassion and tenderness for his people in the gift of his son!

Sincerely,

David, Jana, Nora, Ryann and Georgia Dykstra

PS - In lieu of Chirstmas cards this year, we are using the money we normally spend on them to purchase postage for these letters. Please don't be disapppointed when you don't receive the annual cutest-girls-in-the-world photo!

24 colors

2009-12-19T21:26:00.002-06:00

I'm stealing my topic today from my friend Christine, who does not blog nearly enough.

This morning she compared the joy and contentment of life to the simpleness of a box of 24 crayola crayons and a blank piece of paper in this post. How well our family knows the happiness that new crayons bring! My girls color, color and color some more. I'm lucky enough that - most of the time - it is on paper, although we've had our share of artwork in places that were not meant for crayons:) And we cannot keep enough blank paper and coloring books in our house... blank paper is meant to be colored on. Always.

I disagree with Christine in one aspect, though. Twenty-Four crayons is just not enough. Its exciting, yes, but a box of SIXTY-FOUR crayons is what does it for me! However, I don't feel like coming up with 64 simple pleasures, so here is my 24 crayons list:

1. flannel sheets
2. Cornbread making me coffee in the morning
3. taking showers at the gym in the morning instead of at home
4. time ticking away extremely fast on the eliptical because I'm chatting with a good friend
5. pictures of children that i love that live far away
6. getting the mail everyday - especially right now as we're looking forward to christmas cards and donations for our girls in Africa
7. cereal with 2 % milk
8. chicago pizza
9. our fuzzy woof visiting us on the big red magic red bed every night
10. the community that is beginning to build in region 101 and the great fondness i have for those people
11. sincere greetings
12. biscotti
13. my girls hitting me with "Mommy, guess what?" "What?" "I love you." (I've been doing this to them since each of them were able to say "what")
14. beds being made
15. cornbread's awesome assistant
16. the great anticipation and excitement I feel when I buy someone the perfect gift
17. unexpected generosity
18. Love Story by Taylor Swift
19. hearing my girls talk about Jesus
20. Skipper's drawings - she always includes God in her artwork
21. letters from Brenda and Priscilla
22. my new L.L. Bean sweatshirt
23. slippers
24. puzzles

QOTD: What are your 24 crayons?

Smoked almond, sea salted, dark chocolate bark

2009-12-18T22:25:00.000-06:00

Included with the biscotti packages are 4 pieces of bark... I wish I could include more, but with the number of packages I need we would go broke in chocolate!

The ingredients - seriously, this is it (this picture cost less than $15... I use one chocolate bar per batch, but I've only had to buy one bag of almonds - at Aldi - and one container of salt... so this is a rather inexpensive, yet delicious goodie!):

Break up the chocolate and put it in a microwave safe dish:

melt in microwave until smooth:

Handful of smoked almonds:

thrown in the blender and coarsly chopped:

mix those almonds into the melted chocolate and pour into a foil or parchment lined cookie sheet. Spread to desired thickness. Tap pan on the counter a couple of times and gently shake it to settle it and get it as even as possible. And just because its fun to do:

another handful of smoked almonds thrown in the blender and chopped less than the previous handful - you want bigger pieces this time. Sprinkle them all over the chocolate-in-a-pan.

Tiny bit of coarse sea salt - tiny bit meaning probably 1/2 tablespoon. Sorry - I have a crappy camera that evidently doesn't do well with close ups:

Sprinkle salt evenly over chocolate and almonds. Throw the whole thing in the refrigerator until firm enough to break.

Remove from refrigerator, remove from pan, peel off foil or parchment and break into bite sized pieces.

Enjoy!

Biscotti - start to finish

2009-12-17T22:38:00.001-06:00

Here is the actual start-to-finish process of one batch of biscotti... This was a batch of cinnamon hazelnut:

My stash of toasted and peeled hazelnuts (peeling & toasting them is quite a process, so I did a bunch all at once and just grab handfuls for each batch).

My crushed/chopped hazelnuts. After they're toasted they're pretty brittle, so I put them on one cutting board and put another on top and press down. No chopping necessary. After mixing the hazelnuts into the dough, I make one large lump and cut it in half to make two smaller lumps.

and roll each lump into a 12" log:

My cutting board comes in handy during the whole process. Here I have one log on the cookie sheet and am flattening it with the cutting board. I have found that this makes for a much more even thickness of the dough rather than flattening with my hands (I don't have a rolling pin, but that would work fine, too).

The flattened log on the cookie sheet in the oven.

After baking, they're sliced diagonally into 1/2" cookies and baked a second time - 5 minutes on each side.

Cooled and iced (these happen to be the chai biscotti from the post a couple of days ago - the cinnamon hazelnut biscotti gets iced with cinnamon milk chocolate)

Packaged - 2 of each flavor along with 4 pieces of Dark chocolate smoked almond sea salted bark (pictures of that process to be posted soon).

I think they're pretty sophisticated and impressive. I've been enjoying this much more than the years that I did truffles. I think the presentation is fantastic and holds up well in the car even while rolling around in the front seat with the guy who doesn't worry as much about presentation;) (the truffles would roll around and the presentation would be completely lost... as much as I begged him, Dave couldn't avoid it).
Dave and Carol have gotten some great feedback apparently. I think the biscotti are enjoyed and I think the personal delivery is awesome and goes well with the EJ philosophy. This year's client gifts are an epic success in my opinion!

Answered prayer

2009-12-16T15:56:00.002-06:00

I've spent a great deal of time in 2009 learning more about prayer and becoming an actual pray-er. Before this summer I had spurts of prayer in my life. Some times I had weeks at a time when I was consistently praying... but eventually I would fall away. I honestly think that part of my problem was I misunderstood what prayer was AND I was a very long pray-er. So long winded, in fact, that sometimes I dreaded it or just cut it out altogether because I knew it was going to take forever.

Last spring I began to earnestly seek and desire time in prayer and in the Word every morning. I don't even remember why I began to do it, but the more I did, the more I wanted it. I protected that time and still do. I've been getting up very early in the morning (4:45) so I can workout and get ready and still have my prayer and Bible time before the girls need to get ready for school. I've hosted lectures with the girls regarding the importance of this time in my morning and that when they see me on the couch with my coffee and my Bible with my eyes closed they are NOT to disturb me. They're mostly very good about it, although a reminder is necessary on occasion:)

I have learned to pray boldly and specifically. I have learned to be honest. Completely, brutally honest. And I've learned to lay things and people at HIS feet rather than worry about them. "Do not fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down." I have experienced this. I have 3 situations in my life right now where I could be needlessly worrying or obssessing, but I lay it in God's lap every morning, because realistically the situations are completely out of my control. I have done what I needed to do, the only thing I can do now is remind him of my request and watch as he works. And he is.

One significant thing that has happened as a result of all of this is that I've seen and experienced answers to prayers. I'm certain God has answered my prayers in the past, but since I've never been so consistent I've not been able to recognize it so easily. Here are a few examples of some specific answers to prayer that I would like to honor Him by sharing with anyone who reads this:

* my best friend tried for a long time to get pregnant. She did in February. I prayed and prayed that she would not miscarry. She didn't. I prayed for a healthy baby and delivery. And on November 11th I saw a picture of a very beautiful answer to prayer.

* In June I had it out with God about our finances. I laid it all out and was brutally honest with Him. I yelled. I whined. I cried. I sobbed. I questioned him and told him how unfair everything was. It didn't happen right away, but God has blessed Dave's business in many ways in the last 3 months.

* This fall as Dave's income was gradually increasing, I begged Him to give Dave the trip that he was trying to earn. Dave had been dreaming of the Steamboat, CO trip since March when the trip catalog came out. But throughout the summer it seemed less and less of a possibility. I asked God to give Dave this gift. To reward his hard work and his dedication and integrity. On the VERY LAST DAY of the trip contest, Dave earned the trip.

* This summer Dave's former assistant transferred to a different Jones office. Obviously he needed to hire a new one. The last time he had to hire a new assistant his income decreased dramatically because he had to spend so much time reviewing resumes and interviewing possible candidates, in addition to losing the support of an assistant (which increased his workload). I prayed for a smooth hiring process and that He would lead to the perfect candidate. I prayed for a smooth transition process. All of this happened. And he has the perfect assistant. PERFECT. And his business never skipped a beat during all of it. Someday I'd like to post about that specific situation because it continues to amaze me!

* Last month his commission was pretty low and we didn't think he was going to cover our expenses that month. The morning of the last day of the selling month I asked God to do something - quite literally I said, "Would you do something already?" He had quite a large amount of commissions to make up in order to make it to the number required to cover our expenses. Basically out of the question, but with the right situation it COULD happen, just didn't seem likely. At.all. Dave called around 11:30 and he hadn't made hardly any commissions yet. I was a little disappointed and thought that God had decided No that day. Dave called me at 3:30 and told me that one specific client came in and had changed her mind about a certain situation. The amount of commissions he made from that one transaction brought his monthly total past what he needed to cover our expenses. I laughed at how awesome and amusing God is!

I'm pretty sure that I've missed some. He is amazing. And his timing is so much more perfect than mine. And he leaves me speechless.

Don't get me wrong - I have not gotten an answer to every single prayer than I've uttered. And I continue to storm the gates of heaven to repeat my request. And I will continue to ask boldly and specifically and leave my desires and requests at his feet. Because I am not God. I am not in control. I am not able to do what I'm requesting of him. I.am.not.

QOTD:
* What specific answers to prayer would you like to share?
* How can I pray specifically for you? (all comments are moderated... if you mention on the comment that you don't want it posted, I will not post it, but I will still add it to my list of prayer requests.

Playing around with the Woof

2009-12-15T16:04:00.003-06:00

Never put a video on here before... here it is. Watch for the Woofy giving me and Dave the big "Screw you" at the end. Makes me LOL every.single.time.

I'm the biscotti queen

2009-12-14T17:19:00.002-06:00

This week my sole focus is on making biscotti. I am making little bags of biscotti for Dave's top clients... three flavors of biscotti: cinnamon hazelnut, gingerbread, and chai. I need to make 75 bags. Each recipe makes approximately 36 pieces, which would go into 18 bags (2 of each flavor in each bag). So I need to make 12 batches of biscotti this week... It will be interesting to say the least:)

Disclaimer: I could never be a food photographer or a food blogger because I have no idea how to make them look good in the photos. In addition, I started taking pictures halfway through the process.

To make biscotti, you make the dough, cut it in half, roll it into two 12" logs, flatten them and bake them.

Here is a baked loaf of chai biscotti, which will be cut into 18 slices.

And baked again.

And cooled on a rack.

And iced with melted chocolate (for the chai biscotti I mixed ginger with white chocolate).

They are so yummy! I haven't had time to take a picture of the finished bag, but I will do so and post it later.

breathing

2009-12-13T07:29:00.002-06:00

I feel like I can finally breathe. Ahhhhh:)

Since we came home from our Virginia Thanksgiving we have had some incredibly busy weeks. It has been crazy and it is driving me out of my mind!

I feel like I haven't seen Dave for longer than 30 minutes since we spent 15 hours in the car together. I hate that.

And all of this is happening while I'm trying my darndest to have a stress-free, peaceful Christmas season. Ugh - what happened?

Dave has had Christmas parties for one organzation or another throughout the last couple of weeks. Chamber of Commerce. Rotary. Give Something Back Foundation. Open houses for the businesses of his clients. Etc. etc.

Meanwhile, I've been doing my best to get all of my shopping completed. And I'm finally finished. But I ran into a couple of problems: because I have preschool & kindergarten bus schedules to adhere to, I only have short stretches of time to get things done. So I couldn't get everything done all in one shot, I had to go for a little bit here and a little bit there. In addition, we had decided to buy the girls a wii as their gift from Santa, but a week later we decided to return it and get something else. So that process added a couple of more trips to Target. I feel like I am quite intimate with Target at this point:)

And to go along with all of that I am a biscotti making queen. I decided to make little biscotti packages for some of Dave's clients this year, so for the entire month of December I practiced and I tweaked recipes until I decided on my 3 flavors & recipes: Cinnamon Hazelnut drizzled with cinnamon chocolate, Gingerbread drizzled with lemon white chocolate, & Chai drizzled with ginger white chocolate. They are GOOD. But they are time consuming - one batch of each flavor yields approximately 36 pieces, which makes 18 bags (2 pieces of each flavor in each bag). I need to make 75 bags before Christmas (50 clients + teachers, neighbors, aunts, friends), so I shall be making biscotti all day every day this week (I need 4 batches of each flavor... so 12 batches total... this is going to be a big project this week. Crap.)

So all of this is leaving me feeling like I haven't been able to enjoy Christmas and its going to roll right past me and I'll miss it. Which is exactly the opposite of my intentions.

BUT, we had our extended Dykstra Christmas party yesterday and we're having our celebration with Dave's parents, sister and niece & nephew this afternoon. So the house is clean. The gifts are wrapped. The gingerbread houses are complete. We're ordering pizza for dinner. Sooooo, this morning I will be drinking my coffee in relative peace and relaxing for the first time since Thanksgiving. This time will be cherished:)

I needed this post so I can look back at it 11 months from now and figure out how to do things differently so I don't feel like this again. I think I'll be feeling better over the next two weeks because everything else is done - all gifts are purchased and just a couple remain to be wrapped, decorations are up, I will be working on streamlining the biscotti process today (I'm measuring all dry ingredients into gallon plastic bags so when I am doing the baking I can just dump it in - much quicker), and most christmas obligations are out of the way.

QOTD:
How is your season going so far? Do you feel overextended? Or have you been able to enjoy the ride?

Best gift

2009-12-11T12:52:00.004-06:00

My friend Julie emailed this topic to me:

What was your absolutely favorite, best Christmas gift ever?

I actually have two favorites, but for different reasons.

My favorite practical, use all the time, so glad I got it, not sure I could live without it from now on gift was from my gram last year. It was a Skip Dr. For anyone with little kids, this item is a MUST HAVE. I have repaired so many movies that my children have scratched in previous years simply by handling them. I thought most of our princess and disney movies were worthless until I buffed them with the Skip Dr. I've also saved CDs that I thought were destined for the garbage can. I recommend this to every mom I talk to when the topic of movies and/or children destroying everyday household items come up. Get one - $20 will save you lots and lots of money in replacement costs.

My other absolute favorite gift was from Dave two years ago...

Every year he gets me some random Christmas gift that I never knew I wanted;) In other words, he has no idea what he is going to buy me and tools around the mall for an hour or two and waits until something screams "Jana" to him. Every year it is hit and miss with these gifts. I love him and I appreciate what he is doing, but there have been some years where I open them and I'm trying to figure out a way to not let my disappointment show... or figure out how to tactfully and respectfully ask him if I can exchange it. He means well, truly he does, and I know all of this about him and I love him for it.

He's also been quite successful some years - for example, one year he bought me my own house tool set. That was a gift that I opened and thought, "wow, THIS is exciting." But actually, I use it all.the.time. And he's happy because I'm not messing around in his tool box.

I feel bad, though, many years, because he actually puts a whole lot more thought into his gift for me than I do for him. He pointed this out two years ago. I took that opportunity to thank him for his gift and also remind him that I planned and purchased gifts for approximately 20 people whereas he purchased one gift for one person. I don't think I've heard him make any arrogant statements about his gift giving since that conversation;)

So anyway, two years ago I open his gift. It is not heavy. In fact it feels like an empty cookie tin. I unwrap it. I open the cookie tin and find a folded up piece of paper. I take it out, unfold it and without reading every word I begin to understand that it is confirmation for a plane ticket to Miami. For the life of me, I could not figure out why he was giving me a plane ticket to Miami. Evidently my confusion showed on my face. I was having a hard time showing or telling him my appreciation because I just didn't get it. Not only did I have no reason to go to Miami, but we were in no financial position to buy a plane ticket to anywhere, let alone to Miami. And I was assuming that he'd be coming with me, which would mean TWO tickets to Miami. So what the heck?

I think I asked him why I was going to Miami, which confused HIM:) After a few minutes we got everything straight and I learned that he had planned a 3 day trip for me to visit my BFWW in MEMPHIS! This.was.amazing. Amazing. When I finally figured it all out the tears rolled down my face in a continuous stream. This was the most thoughtful gift I had every received and it ended up being a gift that kept on giving :)

QOTD:
What was YOUR best Christmas gift?

Planning is the Worst

2009-12-10T09:31:00.002-06:00

For as long as I can remember (which, admittedly is not very long;) the planning of anything has been much worse for me than the actual execution of any given task. When I had to write papers in high school and college I would agonize over choosing a topic or a theme and then further agonize over the first sentence. When doing projects in grade school, the process of choosing a project and planning it was miserable for me. Once the plan is set, though, I am the queen of getting it done and following through.

I'm not sure why this is a struggle for me. And you would think that once I graduated from all educational pursuits the issue would be resolved. Nope. It happens in real life, too.

* I love to have people over for dinner and to hang out. But I pull my hair out when coming up with the menu and the grocery list.

* I don't mind cooking. But I hate every second of meal planning and grocery list making.

* I LOVE to bake. Love it. However, I've been asked to bring a dessert to a party on Saturday and am unbelieveably - and irrationally - stressed out about WHAT to bring.

* I very much enjoy buying Christmas gifts for the people that I love. Figuring out what to buy, though, distresses me (this I partly blame on the fact that I like to give meaningful, thoughtful gifts - not just crap from the list).

I'm sure there is a host of other examples of this in my life. Unfortunately the result of all of this is an unreasonable amount of self-induced stress before any given event or project... We took a tremendously fun and long road trip to Virginia for Thanksgiving. For weeks leading up to it I was tense and crabby - because I was anticipating all of the packing I was going to have to do. And I happen to be a very organized and good packer, but thinking about it makes me crabby.

THIS would be the reason that a) I like the idea of the choose your own adventure style blogging for the month and b) I didn't blog yesterday...

I LOVE to blog. I love to write. I enjoy it - it allows me to clear my head of thoughts and sometimes feelings that seem to get caught up there swirling around and clouding my day. BUT I don't like coming up with topics to write about. My blog is sporadic because I write when I feel compelled to do so... I don't feel compelled to write every day. I write about stuff that is spinning around me and needs to get out so I can focus on the rest of life. Now, saying that I'll blog everyday for the month is great - I enjoy doing it, but now the topic choosing is leading to avoidance on my part. So, please choose my topic for me!

2009-12-08T21:15:00.002-06:00

Topic suggestion for today from Amy:

Think back to when you had a baby, toddler, and preschooler in the house--What advice would you have for people like me who are in survival mode--how to juggle things or what NOT to do? (I may use the second part as a topic on another day).

This is an interesting topic for me because I feel like I am far from the one who should be giving advice on this topic. When I was in that situation I felt smothered, disordered, and unsupported for a large share of the time (not by my husband, but simply due to the fact that we had no family in town to help us out).

I also find this an interesting topic because what helped me and my personality would likely not help many others - including Amy:) I am an introvert. She is an extrovert. I have a hard time thinking about how MY advice would be relevent to her since we get energy so differently.

But here is what was important to me at that time:

* Predictability - I was a schedule nazi with all three of my girls. Not because I think the schedule itself is so incredibly important, but because I needed to be able to predict my day as closely as possible (I'm still very much like this even without nap schedules to follow - I don't do very well with spontaneous changes in my plans). By the time each of my girls was around 2-3 months old I knew exactly what times they would nap throughout the day, exactly what times they would eat throughout the day, exactly what times they would get crabby etc. Part of this is due to the fact that I am an extremely observant, puzzle solving person. I look for patterns in all of life, not just in nap/eating schedules, and when something doesn't follow a pattern I will go crazy - obssessively - trying to solve the puzzle. I tried to feed on demand and I wanted to tear my hair out - it seemed that I would just get something started and then the baby would start to cry. I could not handle that - many moms can and do. I.cannot.

Being able to predict this stuff was helpful in many ways - I was able to plan my errands if I dared to venture out with the three of them, I could workout in the morning, I was able to tell babysitters/family EXACTLY what to expect when they watched the girls, I knew how long I had to complete household chores and how to plan my day. These things are important to me - not to some people, but to me. These things were important enough to me that I spit in the face of the idea that you never wake a sleeping child. Whatever - I woke my girls from every single nap they took and in the morning to start the day from the time they came home from the hospital until about 2 years old.

When Georgia was an infant, I was a little more loose with the schedule - just in terms of timing. Nora and Ryann had exact schedules - they each ate/slept at the exact same times every day. With Georgia I worked more with a 3 or 4 hour schedule based on when she woke up in the morning.

The routine was especially important when I had a 4 year old, 2 year old and 6 month old. Nora was in preschool at the time and because I had such a good handle on the schedule I was able to have Georgia and Ryann nap while Nora was at school and have a few precious hours to myself a couple of times a week.

* Blogging/internet - right about the time that I had Georgia I started this blog. A few other people did, too. I also joined a private forum for christian women. These things were a big deal to me as I felt I had some communication with the outside world.

* Evening bottle - If I can suggest one thing to any mother with a newborn it would be this idea. We did this with Georgia as a way to combat the problems I had with Ryann not taking a bottle for her first 8 months... Every night around 8:30/9:00 I would pump a bottle for Georgia and leave it for Dave. Dave was committed to staying awake to feed it to her at 11:45 (she wouldn't even wake up - she would eat it in her sleep; every couple of weeks we moved the time up by 15 minutes). This resulted in a couple of things: she would take a bottle, I could go to sleep right after I pumped and get a long stretch of sleep before getting up to nurse her around 4, she and Dave could bond, I didn't feel lonely staying up that late by myself. If anything at that time in our marriage showed love to me, it was the fact that Dave was willing to do that. I was able to function during the day because of it and I will forever suggest it to others and forever be in his debt.

* Managing expectations - this is actually true of all seasons of life, but I found this to be an important way to ease my mother-guilt at that time... I can't say that I ever felt overwhelmed by guilt, however, I know that it was a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. This guilt about how much tv the older girls were watching, how much I was neglecting them, how much time I WASN'T spending with them. At some point, though, I realized that it would only be for a short time - approximately 6 weeks for our family. It took us about that long to really get in the swing of everything and get back to the point of having some kind of routine. When I realized that, my load became much lighter. While I would never choose to sit my kids in front of the tv for most of the day for 6 weeks, at some point I had to admit to myself that I needed to do it. I also had to be conscious of not keeping that going when I could get my head above water again. After about 6 weeks of that, ALL of us were sick of the tv:)

In addition, I had to manage my expectations for myself and what I could do. There is nothing wrong with saying no or setting boundaries with other people. And there is nothing wrong with not doing everything available and with bowing out of what may seem to be an important social occasion. Dave had his first EJ christmas party right after Georgia was born. I was incredibly overwhelmed - she was too little to leave with a babysitter, but I hadn't met ANY of the people that would be there. I knew that it was going to be an awkward and miserable situation for me - having the baby there, having to find a private place to nurse her and all that, so I politely asked Dave if he could go without me. He wasn't thrilled, but he understood. It probably wouldn't have been as bad as I anticipated, but it wouldn't have been fun, either.

At the time that I had the three little ones under the age of 4 I didn't realize how busy I was. Now that life has gotten easier than that I look back and realize just how smothered I really felt and wonder how I did it. Not sure I could go back... which is why there is no 4th in our future;)

So what is on the agenda for tomorrow's post?

Christmas Traditions

2009-12-07T15:36:00.002-06:00

Today we begin a full month (hopefully - can I do this with Christmas looming?) of my choose your own adventure blogging. I am also going to return to the public.

Here is how it is going to work - in my last post I asked for the very limited number of readers to provide me with a list of 30 topics to blog on and I got a few responses. What I've decided to do, rather than build a list of those topics, I would like this to be a true Choose Your Own Adventure kind of month. So this is what we'll do - I am choosing the first topic suggestion from my last post. I will blog about that today. Your responsbility as loyal readers and lovers of Jana is to read today's blog and give me a suggestion for tomorrows topic either based on today's blog or some other random question in your head. I will then choose my own aventure from the comments - either randomly eeny meeny miney mo style or one that is particularly compelling to me.

So today we have this suggestion for loyal friend and reader, Marissa:
Christmas traditions. What are yours? Any new ones you're implementing this year? How do you keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your house and keep your kids from getting caught up in the gift aspect of it all?

This is an interesting question for me. I grew up without traditions. We had no traditions in any aspect of our lives that I can recall - we weren't just lacking Christmas traditions, but family traditions in general. I remember that my mom just simply hated all things Christmas - she put a tree up, but there was little to no other decorating in the house. My dad put lights on the house and I remember one year he left them up for the entire year. He was fastidious about them being straight, which is why I refuse to have lights on my own house (because I know that my husband will not be as particular and the crookedness of the lights on the eaves will drive me crazy and I will hate every second of pulling into my driveway).

Every year Christmas became less and less - first it started with just taking the already decorated tree and putting it in the storage room with a big piece of plastic on it so we wouldn't have to decorate it the following year, then the tree got bagged altogether and we literally put presents under a pelican statue that had a Christmas ornament hanging from its beak, and then in one of Dave's most shocking Christmases ever, my parents didn't wrap our gifts - my dad tossed them across the room in the plastic bag from the store (good thing mine was a bubble ski coat).

Now that you are sufficiently horrified an it sounds like I'm vilifying my parents, I need to mention that none of this bothered me or upset me. I'm not upset about it now. I don't feel gipped. I don't feel like I missed out. I don't carry resentments. I find it amusing in retrospect, but I also understand that this was our family. I love my parents and I love these things about them. I also love the fact that my mom has done a complete 180 with the whole Christmas tree/decoration thing. I wholeheartedly believe that everyone has a story, and part of my story includes the above... and part of my parents story includes whatever brought them to the point of those things. While I know that most people live differently over Christmas, I never knew it at the time - this is how WE celebrated Christmas.

Now, all that to say that over the last 12 years of being a member of Dave's family, I have grown to appreciate and look forward to family traditions. They have many. And actually my mom is working hard to create some new ones with our family - and I love it!

It has actually taken me quite a while to desire our own family traditions. Life with me is very different this year than it has been in the past. I truly, truly believe that this can be attributed to no longer feeling smothered with lots of little children and getting some alone time on a consistent basis. I feel like I can finally be intentional about this kind of stuff - I am no longer looking at what a hassle something is or how much work its going to be to prepare for it and packing the diaper bag and the training pants and the stroller etc. etc. Since Georgia turned 3 life seems to have gotten quite a lot easier than in previous years and that results in our family striving to create and maintain some new traditions - Christmas or otherwise.

So all of this to say, here are some of our traditions that are already established:

* decorating the tree as a family - in the past we have done this the weekend of Thanksgiving. We were not home this year, so we did it last weekend. We have a fake tree and I would have it no other way:)

* advent wreath / lighting of the candles on advent sundays - last year we decided to get a real Advent wreath and do our own readings/candle lightings because our church does not do them and Dave really missed it. This has been a great devotional time for our family where we are also able to teach the girls about hope, peace, joy and love and how Jesus fulfills each of them. I'm still waiting for the day that they aren't more interested in blowing the candle out than in the reading, but it will happen.

* adore-naments for the 12 days before Christmas - I mentioned these in my post last year. We really enjoyed doing these ornaments every night and again, it was a great teaching tool for the girls to learn different names and characteristics of Christ.

* Long Grove, IL - This is a little town that is about an hour north of us. Its just a small, quaint downtown area with some cute little shops. It is probably not any different than any other quaint little downtown area, but it is a place that we went to 3 years ago and have been back every year since. Last year we took a horse and carriage ride and Nora got to drive! We always stop for coffee and live music at Beans and Leaves, for popcorn at the popcorn store, for giant gingerbread cookies at the bakery and for some holiday wine at the general store. Nothing too exciting for most people, but they are things that at least Dave and I have fond memories of and look forward to every year.

* Santa - neither Dave nor I did Santa when we were little kids. We probably wouldn't have done Santa with our kids either, except Nora made reindeer food in preschool one year and we played it out - left some cookies for Santa and the food for the reindeer. When she woke up the next morning the cookies were half eaten (it was a lot of work trying to keep those away from the Woof) and the reindeer had spilled their food all over the front porch and lawn. Her face was priceless and we will do Santa forever. Santa only brings one gift - either one for each girl or one big gift for the family. Last year he brought a bunch of board games. One year he brought scooters, this year he's bringing exactly what the girls have asked for and I'm excited for them to wake up on Christmas morning.

* Home on Christmas morning/day - with all of our family out of town we used to travel on the actual day. After the whole Santa business, though, we have protected Christmas eve night and Christmas day as OUR time. We will always be home on Christmas morning as long as I have anything to say about it.

* Only 3 gifts (in addition to what Santa brings) - I started this last year based on a suggestion from a friend. It was awesome. It felt so freeing to stop at 3 gifts and to not be caught up in buying a bunch of things. It also forces me to be very selective in what I pick out for them. I know some people do something to wear, something to read, something to play with - we don't, but we may switch to that at some point... right now it is unnecessary.

* baking cookies - this is pretty self explanatory and actually is quite stressful for me:) I think it will be less stressful this year for many reasons and I'm looking foward to it.

* having a peaceful, unhurried Christmas season - last year i made an effort to get my shopping done early and was determined to actually enjoy the holiday season rather than be stressed and anxious. I loved it so much, that I determined to do it again. As of today I have one more gift to buy, and all of the presents to wrap, but our Christmas letters are finished and mailed, teacher gifts are planned, etc. It is now just my honor to bake, bake, bake and enjoy the month and the celebration and to be intentional about remembering our reason for celebrating.

Traditions that hopefully are beginning this year:
* Dutch babies and egg nog the night we decorate the tree - this was fun. The food was good, it was celebratory and special and festive.

* Movies over Christmas break - I've told the girls that we can watch one princess movie together every day of Christmas break. I HATE Disney princess movies, but I think we're going to have some good, girl time with this. I'm going to have to suffer through Ariel, Belle & Cinderella before I finally get to Giselle, but it'll be fun.

* feeding the homeless - we were downtown yesterday morning for brunch with our college friends. On our way home we passed a couple of homeless men asking for money. The girls had never seen homeless people and were full of questions. Dave and I both looked for money, but we didn't have any cash on us, so we went to the drive-through at McDonalds and bought each of these men a double cheeseburger and a chocolate milk. It didn't amount to much and I actually worry that the greasy food would upset their stomachs, but it was one meal for them yesterday. I hope that this is not just a Christmas tradition, but becomes part of our family MO.

The second part of the suggested topic was: How do you keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your house and keep your kids from getting caught up in the gift aspect of it all?

Hopefully I've been able to answer the first part of that question already - advent wreath, adorenaments, unhurried Christmas. This is really something that we're trying to be intentional about and I hope we're succeeding. In addition, I think one thing that helps to keep them from getting caught up in the gift aspect of it all is that we don't let them watch a lot of tv, which means they aren't seeing a bunch of commercials for toys that advertisers are trying to convince them that they NEED. We also do a fair amount of emphasis throughout the year on experiences rather than things, I hope that helps too.

These traditions have really helped me begin to enjoy the Christmas season rather than stress out about all of the obligations and busyness that used to come along with it. These are the things that I look forward to!

What to write

2009-12-03T09:29:00.003-06:00

Marissa has asked me to come back to blogland. I happen to believe that Marissa is the only person who still checks/reads this. So my question is:

What do you want to read about? I'm willing to write, give me some inspiration... sometimes I wonder if my intensity comes across as being opinionated and judgemental, which I try really hard not to be, so I shy away from sharing. Believe me, I have a bunch of stuff running through my head at any given moment.

I will commit to writing everyday this month if YOU provide the topics! That means I need almost 30 topics. Ask me anything - I'm an open book:)

***edited to add: I will begin on Monday, December 7th. I'd like to leave this post up for a couple of days with the hopes that perhaps a straggler or two will pop in and happen upon it and provide some more topics.

As a side note, thinking about going back to public, for various reasons. When I was non-private I didn't do anything to increase my traffic, but I am fully aware that it is easier to blog more often when there are people actually reading it and commenting on it. I believe that most of my few readers are probably not following along too closely and maybe part of it is because it is private and won't show up on a reader (I don't follow many private blogs for that reason). My reasoning behind going private was to create an authentic sharing community, but that didn't seem to happen. I think that I, personally, have a hard time being someone I'm not so my personal authenticity is not in jeopardy by going public. In addition, I don't think I need to share personal info as much as I did at that specific time - I didn't get as specific about things anyway. I think I need to view this not as a personal personal journal, but as a place to record thoughts and memories, which is the original intention anyway.

November review

2009-11-01T12:39:00.002-06:00

Wow, totally missed all of October.

1. Run 15 miles in one running session at least once.
I don't believe that this is going to happen at all. I'm injured and have not run for over 6 weeks. Its killing me and I hate it (my lower back is killing me since I've stopped running). I think I have tendinitis in my ankle and I think the only solution is rest. So I took a full week completely off - no working out at all. Then I spent the rest of September and all of October walking in the morning and sometimes also in the evening. Due to time, I was unable to log the same number of miles that I did with running, which is why I was trying to do it twice each day. It was fine. I enjoyed it, however, I just didn't feel like I was actually working out.

Last week Dave signed me up for Cardinal Fitness. He's been going for a few months and he decided that it would be a good thing for me to be able to do the eliptical and add some real weight machines in to my routine. I actually really, really enjoy it.

However, since starting the eliptical my ankle has begun to hurt more than it had been (it wasn't completely healed, but was hurting less). I think it is because the eliptical, while easier on the joints, is still a weight-bearing workout. I'm coming to the realization that I will probably need to do the bike until the end of the year, which doesn't excite me - I HATE the bike! BUT, I'm really happy to be sweating again.

I guess it is possible that I could start running again after the holidaysand could work up to 15 miles by April 1st (although I would definitely need to get new running shoes, since I think my newest pair - purchased in August - are what caused the tendinitis... I am an over-supinator (ankles roll out), which is more rare than over-pronatation (ankles roll in). I bought shoes off of the shelf rather than figuring out what kind I really should have. I had not been injured until after wearing these new shoes for a month - I suspect that my new shoes are made for over-pronators, which means that my ankle is turning out more than it naturally does and caused the tendinitis).

2. Write one handwritten note each month.
Not sure I wrote any last month.

3. Spend the afternoon school time reading a non-fiction book.
My current non-fiction book is God Is Closer Than You Think, by John Ortberg. I have not been able to consistently read it, but I really like it when I'm reading. One thing that I read last week that was very helpful to me is that he believes there are 7 spiritual paths and each person has a primary one in addition to having multiple secondary paths... meaning that each person meets God primarily through one of these paths. My primary path is definitely Contemplation and one of the most important things for a Contemplative is to have PROTECTED, quiet time to read and learn about and meet God. This is so true for me.

4. Start the whole flylady thing.I'm going to restart next week.
I haven't done anything with flylady this month, however, I do have a one-a-day laundry schedule that is enormously helpful to me.
Monday: girls clothes.
Tuesday: Mine and Dave's darks.
Wednesday: Whites
Thursday: Towels and iron
Friday: Girls sheets
Saturday OR Sunday: Mine and Dave's sheets

I also wash everyone's pillowcases almost everyday in an effort to keep us healthy this season.

This schedule has been hugely helpful in keeping laundry manageable.

As for the rest of flylady... I haven't looked at it. Mostly because I've been overwhelmed with home improvement stuff.

5. Repaint the foyer, front room/dining room, kitchen and family room.
Foyer - done. Kitchen - all painting is finally done! I put the last of the cabinet doors on last weekend and they all have knobs. I am going to ask for new smaller knobs for Christmas, but they all have knobs and look awesome! I'm waiting for Anita to help me accesorize, but I also need to have some extra cash to do it, so that may not happen for a while.

Last month we had a huge toilet overflow issue that resulted in half of the family room ceiling being water-stained and a portion of the it needing to be cut out and replaced (1 1/2 sheets of drywall). We finally have that completed and now I need to prime and repaint the ceiling (I had already primed and repainted the ceiling at the beginning of the summer).

Not sure if the front room/dining room and family room will get repainted this year. Perhaps.

6. Go on at least three city adventures with the girls over the summer.
No progress on this in the last 2 months.

7. Take a yoga class.
I'm hoping this will happen this month, but I have to get on the stick and register for it.

8. Write in each of the girls' journals at least once a month.
I wrote in Nora's journal yesterday, which I also posted here yesterday. Need to continue to keep this in mind and do it at least once a month.

9. Do a personal Bible study in the morning before all the morning routines begin.
I've continued to do this. I've had a hard time with it, though, because I NEED the quiet and alone time, but I'm not getting to it before the girls get up and even if they're not talking TO me, if they're talking AROUND me it is distracting for me. Since I started going to the gym, it has gotten better. I have to get used to the idea that if I want to spend time alone reading the Bible and praying I simply have to get up at 5am - its really the only way I get it in and I'm fine with it.

10. Do not add any new television shows to my regular watch list.
We no longer have cable channels (no more Disney!), so this isn't a huge problem. We allow the girls to watch either Dancing with The Stars or So You Think You Can Dance once a week as a treat for them, but other than Thursday nights we don't really have any shows that we watch. I'm pretty happy with our tv watching.

11. Be consistent with not getting on the computer until my stuff is done.
My friend, Carissa, actually deactivated her facebook account because she was spending too much time on it. It inspired me to delete all facebook games from my account and to spend much less time on the computer. Last week was good. I am working on getting better at this.

12. Drink 100 ounces of water on the weekends (total of Saturday and Sunday).
Haven't done well with this, but need to remember to work on it.

13. Memorize Bible verses.
I have not been actively memorizing specific verses each week, but I have been writing out verses that I'd like to meditate on throughout the day and trying to really internalize them, which in turn results in near memorization. I am happy with this situation right now, although I would also like to memorize verses.

The Rule of the Path

2009-10-31T10:05:00.002-05:00

Nora,
I have something wieghing quite heavily on my heart right now and am spending a lot of time thinking, praying and looking for ideas...

Last week in church we learned about The Rule of The Path - basically, when you have an end result, you will not get there - no matter how hard you try or how much you want to - unless you are on the right path. For example: if you want to go to Florida, you CANNOT get there by driving north on I294. This is just fact. It is.

The problem is, that many times the path is hard and there is much temptation to find a new, better, faster, easier one. But those aren't the right paths to get to your desired goal.

What does all of this have to do with you?

Nora, Daddy and I have chosen a very hard path for our family. It is difficult for us and we're grown ups. You (and your sisters) did not get a choice on what path you take right now - you are on our path. We believe with our whole hearts that we're on the right path for ourselves and our family. But its hard. And I know its going to be a hard one for you girls - I already see the difficulty presenting itself in your young life.

My heart is heavy for you because I know you will experience pain because of our family's path. You will be misunderstood, feel left out, struggle between knowing the right path vs. wanting to follow a friend's path. I am feeling all of this myself, but I'm the one choosing the path. You are not.

Nora, I know we're on the right path no matter how hard it is for me and how much pain it causes you girls. My prayer is that Daddy and I will somehow be able to equip you with the self-esteem and confidence that you'll need to travel this path. We are discussing how to do this. I want you to know that we don't take this lightly or believe that you just need to figure it out on your own. We love you and are so proud of who you are. We are trying our hardest to help you become the woman God desires you to be.

I know its going to be hard, but if you trust us, you'll really enjoy our end goal! Ultimately it comes down to this:

Steadily trust in God

Hope Unswervingly

Love Extravagantly

We're learning these things together. I promise not to abandon you on the path.